BC JOKES

10 Things Jokes

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10 Things

tent01 
1. Ten things you never want to say to a doctor when you have a physical exam.
 
 1. You remind of that little guy that worked for Dr. Frankenstein.
 2. As much blood as you take, you must be related to Dracula.
 3. If you can't afford whole gowns, you could at least warm up the chairs.
 4. Hmmm, that feels good, Sweetheart, can we do this again tomorrow?
 5. Urine specimen?  I tried hard, but this big thing of mine won't fit in that little vial.
 6. What do you do with the X-Rays of the good looking women?
 7. With all these weird looking machines, are you sure you're not an alien from Mars?
 8. I saw a lot of good looking women in the waiting room. Do you need an assistant?
 9. And what's your golf handicap?
10. You keep that finger where I can see it!

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tent02
2. Ten things you should never say when stopped by a cop.
 
 1. Picture doesn't look like me?  Here try this one.
 2. Insurance? The company dropped me 3 years ago, and I haven't found one that will insure me again.
 3. I know, but the other car broke down so I had to borrow the plates off it.
 4. It was his fault! If he hadn't stopped for that light, I wouldn't have hit him in the back end.
 5. Glasses, it's Mom's turn to wear them today.
 6. Speeding?  That's because I was going downhill and the brakes don't work.
 7. Missed a stop sign?  I'll stop twice the next time.
 8. Never signaled a right turn?  I had my right arm stuck out.
 9. A light out?  I didn't think any of them worked.
10. Drinking?  I don't drink anything stronger than pop.  Of course, he'll drink anything.
 
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tent03
3. Ten things you should not say to a potential buyer when you are trying to sell your house.

 1. Never had any problems with water in the basement, unless the creek got out.
 2. Good roof, unless it rains.
 3. Don't know about the air conditioner, we use big fans.
 4. Good water, lots of minerals and chemicals.
 5. Good neighbors, except for mean old Joe Green across the street.
 6. Schools are close.  We got lots of rug rats around here.
 7. Fireplace works good, if you can get the bats out of the chimney.
 8. It's a new furnace.  Got it last year when the Anderson place burnt down.
 9. The hot water heater works good.  You just have to give it a kick, once in a while.
10. You'll enjoy the wildlife around here.
 
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tent04 
4. Ten things you should not say to a judge when you are in court on a speeding ticket.

 1. The last cop just said to slow down, he didn't say to stop.
 2. Cmon now, I wasn't going that fast!
 3. The other cars were going just as fast, almost.
 4. I was just trying to pass.
 5. The car behind was tailgating, so I sped up to get him off my bumper.
 6. I'll pay double now, if you won't stop me the next time.
 7. Can we negotiate?
 8. How much is it going to cost this time?
 9. Another mile, and he wouldn't have caught me.
10. I'm going to sue that radar detector company!
 
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tent05 
5. Ten reasons why all I would need is a miracle, and,

 1. The boss won't know who put the dead skunk in his car.
 2. The wife will forget about that french perfume on me.
 3. This hangover will go away.
 4. My buddy won't discover about me and his wife.
 5. The judge will have mercy on me.
 6. That cop won't ask for my license.
 7. That farmer won't know it was me that shot his cow when I was deer hunting.
 8. The mayor won't know who flattened his tires.
 9. The mortgage company won't notice the missed house payment.
10. I'll hit the lottery.

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tent06
6. Ten things you don't want to hear from the auditor when the IRS calls you in.

 1. You have to have a business to deduct business expenses.
 2. Making paper airplanes does not qualify as research & development, I don't care how high they fly.
 3. Mowing the grass does not qualify as a home improvement deduction.
 4. Getting drunk with the boss does not qualify as an entertainment expense.
 5. Tipping the waitress does not qualify as a donation to charity.
 6. You can not depreciate a car if it was given to you.
 7. You can not deduct a set of fishing waders as occupational equipment if you work in a machine shop.
 8. No, you can not declare your house a church, it doesn't make any difference how much wine you drink.
 9. It's cash now, not pray and pay later.
10. No, we won't take your check, we still have last year's.

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tent07 
7. Ten things you don't want to hear from a pawn broker when you are trying to pawn a ring for money.

 1. Gold? I'm surprised your finger hasn't rotted off.
 2. That diamond is worth as much as a pop bottle.
 3. I also won like it at the carnival.
 4. Remember, I still have the last one you guaranteed.
 5. Does your wife know you have this?
 6. Where did you steal this? 
 7. Class ring? you never got past the sixth grade!
 8. How can it be a family heirloom, I sold those 30 years ago.
 9. Grandmother's wedding ring? She never married.
10. It'll be a cold day in hell.
 
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tent08
8. Ten things you don't want to hear from your dentist.

  1. This wouldn't hurt so much if you would floss more.
  2. Open up! Here I come!
  3. How much is that house worth that you did own?
  4. Now which tooth is hurting?
  5. I just learned a new procedure that I am going to try on you today.
  6. You remind me of my no-good brother-in-law.
  7. We're going to have to hurry, I'm going to be late for my golf date.
  8. What did you eat? Skunk?
  9. I have a special on dentures today.
10. Your credit card was declined, so we are going to have to do this the hard way.
 
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tent09 
9. Ten things you should never say to your auto insurance agent when filing a claims report.

 1. I was driving down the road, and the fence posts started coming at me faster, and faster, so I turned
     off to let them go by.
 2. That "T" intersection appeared out of nowhere, and I hit the ditch on the other side before I could even think to turn
 3. They said the lake ice was thick enough to walk on, but it was too cold to walk, so I drove out to ice fish.
 4. If he hadn't stopped for that red light I wouldn't have hit him.
 5. That stop sign jumped out so fast, I couldn't get stopped.
 6. I swear that big ditch wasn't there yesterday.
 7. I never knew that road was under construction, until that big bulldozer pulled out.
 8. Those semi's have lousy brakes.
 9. The sign said "Sharp turn ahead", it never said you had to slow down.
10. It was just a little dent.
 
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tent10 
10. Ten things you don't want to hear from your mechanic.

 1. Fix the brakes cheap? You want your shoes re-soled?
 2. I could have fixed it cheap if you had brought the car to me when the water pump was just squealing, instead of waiting for it to go through the radiator.
 3. It was just missing until you blew a rod through the pan.
 4. Yes, I stand by my guarantees, but I don't guarantee an engine when I repair a tire.
 5. This car is so old I can't even get parts in a junk yard.
 6. And you think the Edsel was a mistake.
 7. Why don't you paint it yellow.
 8. It would be cheaper to get another car.
 9. You are right, engines don't last as long now-a-days, particularly if you never change the oil.
10. That will be cash in advance.
 
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tent11
Ten reasons you should not give your boss for missing a day of work.
 
  1. My wife had to work so I had to stay home and babysit.
  2. (Particularly if you have no kids).
  3. She was one hot chick.
  4. My friends dog died.
  5. My neighbor's guinea pig was sick.
  6. It was a full moon.
  7. I didn't have a thing to wear.
  8. I lost my car.
  9. My team lost in the playoffs.
10. My hangover wouldn't go away.
 
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tent12
Ten reasons you should not give your minister for missing Sunday services.
 
  1. I didn't have any money.
  2. My hangover wouldn't go away.
  3. The Oakland Raiders played Kansas city.
  4. I had to substitute for darts at Moe's.
  5. It was raining too hard.
  6. It was too sunny.
  7. I couldn't get a babysetter.
  8. My girlfriend wouldn't let me out of bed.
  9. I tried but I got lost on the way.
10. The devil made me do it.
 
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tent13
Ten text messages a girl doesn't want to receive from her boyfriend.
 
 1. Hello Judy, oh, I mean Carol.
 2. That was not a woman's perfume you smelled on me, it was Fred's.
 3. My boss told me I have to work late tonight, and boy, you should meet my boss.
 4. Have you got any money?  The police just towed your car.
 5. What is the telephone number of your good looking girlfriend?
 6. Remember those nude pictures I took of you?  Some internet geek just gave me $100 for them.
 7. I bought a "How-to" book today,  "Sex for Dummies".
 8. I bought a "How-to" film today, "Debbie does Dallas".
 9. Boy, you should see the way the Chinese do it.
10. I went to the zoo today, and boy, do I have some ideas now!
 
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 tent14
Ten text messages a boy doesn't want to get from his girlfriend.
 
 1. Daddy wants to have a man-to-man talk with you.
 2. Doesn't that thing get any bigger?
 3. You should see Pete's.
 4. Can't you do any better than 2 pops and a squirt?
 5. I'm sorry honey, but do you remember that nice new car you did own this morning?
 6. Can you bring some money down to police precinct #2?
 7. Joe says "Hi!".
 8. The football team invited me into the locker room today, and I had a wonderful time.
 9. The rabbit died!
10. Dear John.
 
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tent15
Ten ways you can tell a theater is running a loser movie.
 
 1. The movie was out on DVD before it went to the theaters.
 2. Scalpers are offering tickets at half price.
 3. The theater is having family night.
 4. The theater is offering free entrance to every 10th person.
 5. The popcorn is 2 days old.
 6. The trailers are for movies made before you were born.
 7. The ticket taker is sleeping.
 8. The theater has half the lights off for energy conservation.
 9. The theater is offering free valet parking.
10. The theater is offering free popcorn to all ticket purchasers.
 
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tent16
Ten things you don't want to hear from your bartender, the day after a hard night of drinking.
 
  1. That blond you were loving up is your wife's hairdresser.
  2. That guy you called dumb-ass is that state boxing champion, and he's looking for you.
  3. That red head you were loving up is the state boxing champion's wife, and he's looking for you.
  4. The police were in here looking for you today.
  5. Here's your tab for last night.
  6. I'm surprised you'd show your face in here again.
  7. Remember that best friend you used to have?
  8. Hello, King Kong!
  9. Where did you find that sow? She's looking for you.
10. Have you called a lawyer yet?

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tent17
Ten things you should never say to your boss when it's time for a pay raise.
 
 1. I saw you with your wife yesterday, she didn't look like the same woman.
 2. I hear your boss is hiring.
 3. OK Scrooge, see if you can do better this year.
 4. Raise or else!
 5. I'll flip you for it, double, or double!
 6. I've been a good boy this year, haven't I?
 7. I was almost on time.
 8. I did all of my work, almost.
 9. What's your golf handicap?
10. Take this job and shove it.  Hah, Hah.
 
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tent18
Ten things a pilot should not say to the co-pilot over the inter-com if the passengers can hear.
 
 1. Was that plane going that fast, or are we going that slow?
 2. Boy, I could really use a nap now.
 3. Can you tell which way that guy is going?
 4. Did you check the tires before we took off?
 5. God, how long has that fuel guage been busted?
 6. When the gear gets down, hmmmph.
 7. Which runway did they say we were supposed to land on?
 8. Did you understand what they said?
 9. What's that funny smell?
10. OOPS!
 
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10 Things Jokes

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