Priest Jokes
Original Jokes Wit and Humor
Priest Jokes Dumb Priest Jokes Jokes about Priests Dumb Jokes about Priests
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says,
"How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies." The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you." But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today." "Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you." But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day." "Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. "Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
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God went to the Arabs and said:
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Arabs asked: "What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill?? No way! We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said:
"I have Commandments."
And the Blacks wanted an example.
And the Lord said: "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? Yo maan, can't tell who our fathers are, maan!"
So, He went to the Mexicans and said:
"I have Commandments."
And the Mexicans wanted an example.
And the Lord said: "Thou shall not steal."
"No steal? No steal??? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh?? Gracias, but no!"
He went to the French and said:
"I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example
And the Lord said: "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit ze adultery..?? Non, non, monsieur, we French, we must have ze romance."
He went to the Jews and said:
"I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they asked, "how much do they cost?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10." __________________
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it
was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It
read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at
the Post Office.
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