I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No workee!
People I Hate!
pih1
The Janitor
The Janitor that put that fresh roll of toilet paper in a locked dispenser, complete with outside wrapper.
Man's perspective:
Ten minutes of pulling and tearing, trying to find the end, before I finally stuck my finger in the middle and tore off a chunk.
Thinking, "I sure wish he was here so I could shove this toilet paper in his face!"
Woman's perspective: (From an anonomous donor)
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The
dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)
is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would
turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your
pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the
one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that
now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail .
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door
hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would
be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't
KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against
the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your
butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks
everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper
dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past
the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your
shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might
need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why
is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the
door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!
Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have
a mammogram! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend!
I Just Did!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih2
Urinal Designer
The designer of that urinal that when you urinate in it, the urine splashes back on you!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih3
Commode Designer
The designer of that automatic flush commode, which while you are setting there, grunting and groaning, self flushes, leaving you with that freshly washed feeling!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih4
Faucet Maker
The maker of that bathroom faucet that has only two settings, off and full on. And when walking out after getting drenched, everybody looks at you and gives you that, "Oh, Couldn't wait. Huh?", look.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih5
Dance Teacher
That Grade School Dance Teacher that always picked me to dance with the tall fat girl.
I know that's where I got the corns on my toes!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih6
Car Engineer
The engineer of the new talking cars with the female voice that informs you, "Please buckle your seat belt.", and "The gas is low."
That's real fine bitch, now where is the f!@#^*&#$ing headlights!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih7
Jock Strap Inventor
The inventor of the Jock Strap.
Either he did a half ass job, or where is the rest of it?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih8
Alarm Clock Engineer
The engineer that designed the modern electric alarm clock.
If he understood the terror it instills in people to wake up in the middle of the night and see that clock blinking twelve oclock, he would never have designed anything that did not have wind up springs and hands!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih9
Watch Designer
The designer of the modern digital watch
The modern digital watch has date, time, alarm, stop watch, will tell time in two time zones, among other things.
But you lose the instruction manual five minutes after getting the watch home, and thereafter have to listen to the watch chiming every hour, on the hour, and that alarm ringing at five Am every morning, including Saturdays, and Sundays, until the battery dies!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih10
Alexander Graham Bell
The only time that telephone rings is when you are sleeping, showering, or got your pants down around your ankles!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih11.rtf
Garbage man
I worked late. I drank late. I slept late. Here comes the Garbage Man!
Throw on a pair of pants, tee shirt, and go running out of the house, into
a cold freezing morning, yelling, "Stop! Stop!", only to see that truck
turn the corner of the block and disappear. Go running to the rear of the house
in the cold morning, still just in pants, tee, and no shoes, drag out the garbage cans, load them in the back of the pick-up, and go roaring around the opposite corner and up the street, to catch the Garbage Man. The Garbage Man says, "I'm Recycling. Have you got any Recycling?".
"$@F#*!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih12.rtf
The Weatherman
He is the only person people in the world, that only has to be right fifty percent
of the time to keep his job!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih13.rtf
Post Office Manager
My wife is short one lousy stamp so I have to go to the Post Office to buy a book of stamps. There stands twelve people in line, each with a half a dozen packages to mail, and guess what, there is only one clerk working! Of course out in the lobby there are stamp machines. You can buy a book and not have to wait. Just deposit $7.82, exact change. I have $7.61 in change upon my person, so it's go to the window, and wait thirty minutes to get exact change, or wait a half an hour to buy a book of stamps. Only the U.S. government would have such out dated machines.
I complained to a friend, and he told me I was lucky. He had the exact change, but when he put in the five dollar bill, the machine ate it and then froze. He had to wait thirty minutes to get his book of stamps and then it took him three months to get the five dollar bill refunded!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih14.rtf
Stock Broker
This guy is the the only legal con artist in the world. He tells you to buy a stock because analysis says it is going up. You buy it, and he takes his commission. If the stock goes up, you make money. If it goes down you are out his commission and your money, and the only thing he has to offer you is another "hot" tip. And if you should decide to go with his new tip, he gets another commission regardless of whether you make money or not. Additionally if he screws you out of a lot of money, then he gets a bonus.
Anybody else would be jailed for this!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih15.rtf
The Inventor of Shoe Laces
It doesn't make any difference what type of lace shoe I buy, or what type of replacement lace I purchase, the strings are always too short or too long and will never remain tied.
Someone should have strung up the inventor of the shoe string with one of his own laces till death done him part.
They probably did string him up and it wouldn't stay tied either!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the
very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your
shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might
need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and
left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why
is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men
what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the
door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!
Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have
a mammogram! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend!
I Just Did!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih2
Urinal Designer
The designer of that urinal that when you urinate in it, the urine splashes back on you!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih3
Commode Designer
The designer of that automatic flush commode, which while you are setting there, grunting and groaning, self flushes, leaving you with that freshly washed feeling!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih4
Faucet Maker
The maker of that bathroom faucet that has only two settings, off and full on. And when walking out after getting drenched, everybody looks at you and gives you that, "Oh, Couldn't wait. Huh?", look.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih5
Dance Teacher
That Grade School Dance Teacher that always picked me to dance with the tall fat girl.
I know that's where I got the corns on my toes!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih6
Car Engineer
The engineer of the new talking cars with the female voice that informs you, "Please buckle your seat belt.", and "The gas is low."
That's real fine bitch, now where is the f!@#^*&#$ing headlights!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih7
Jock Strap Inventor
The inventor of the Jock Strap.
Either he did a half ass job, or where is the rest of it?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih8
Alarm Clock Engineer
The engineer that designed the modern electric alarm clock.
If he understood the terror it instills in people to wake up in the middle of the night and see that clock blinking twelve oclock, he would never have designed anything that did not have wind up springs and hands!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih9
Watch Designer
The designer of the modern digital watch
The modern digital watch has date, time, alarm, stop watch, will tell time in two time zones, among other things.
But you lose the instruction manual five minutes after getting the watch home, and thereafter have to listen to the watch chiming every hour, on the hour, and that alarm ringing at five Am every morning, including Saturdays, and Sundays, until the battery dies!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih10
Alexander Graham Bell
The only time that telephone rings is when you are sleeping, showering, or got your pants down around your ankles!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih11.rtf
Garbage man
I worked late. I drank late. I slept late. Here comes the Garbage Man!
Throw on a pair of pants, tee shirt, and go running out of the house, into
a cold freezing morning, yelling, "Stop! Stop!", only to see that truck
turn the corner of the block and disappear. Go running to the rear of the house
in the cold morning, still just in pants, tee, and no shoes, drag out the garbage cans, load them in the back of the pick-up, and go roaring around the opposite corner and up the street, to catch the Garbage Man. The Garbage Man says, "I'm Recycling. Have you got any Recycling?".
"$@F#*!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih12.rtf
The Weatherman
He is the only person people in the world, that only has to be right fifty percent
of the time to keep his job!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih13.rtf
Post Office Manager
My wife is short one lousy stamp so I have to go to the Post Office to buy a book of stamps. There stands twelve people in line, each with a half a dozen packages to mail, and guess what, there is only one clerk working! Of course out in the lobby there are stamp machines. You can buy a book and not have to wait. Just deposit $7.82, exact change. I have $7.61 in change upon my person, so it's go to the window, and wait thirty minutes to get exact change, or wait a half an hour to buy a book of stamps. Only the U.S. government would have such out dated machines.
I complained to a friend, and he told me I was lucky. He had the exact change, but when he put in the five dollar bill, the machine ate it and then froze. He had to wait thirty minutes to get his book of stamps and then it took him three months to get the five dollar bill refunded!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih14.rtf
Stock Broker
This guy is the the only legal con artist in the world. He tells you to buy a stock because analysis says it is going up. You buy it, and he takes his commission. If the stock goes up, you make money. If it goes down you are out his commission and your money, and the only thing he has to offer you is another "hot" tip. And if you should decide to go with his new tip, he gets another commission regardless of whether you make money or not. Additionally if he screws you out of a lot of money, then he gets a bonus.
Anybody else would be jailed for this!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pih15.rtf
The Inventor of Shoe Laces
It doesn't make any difference what type of lace shoe I buy, or what type of replacement lace I purchase, the strings are always too short or too long and will never remain tied.
Someone should have strung up the inventor of the shoe string with one of his own laces till death done him part.
They probably did string him up and it wouldn't stay tied either!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
|PAGE01|PAGE02|PAGE03|PAGE04|PAGE05|PAGE06|PAGE07|PAGE08|PAGE09|PAGE10|
|PAGE11|PAGE12|PAGE13|PAGE14|PAGE15|PAGE16|PAGE17|PAGE18|PAGE19|PAGE20|
|BROWNVSWHITEVSBLUE|10THINGS|OBSERVATIONS|PEOPLE_I_HATE|REDNECKS|
|DOPEYNITIONS||WOMEN_JOKES|LAWYER_JOKES|PRIEST_JOKES|MURPHYS_LAW|
|DIRTY_JOHNNY|OLD_AGE|FART_JOKES|POLICE_JOKES|OTHER_JOKES|WORDPLAY|