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I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't need him again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ***.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>1.
The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
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If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
The best vitamin for making friends....B1.
The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.
The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
Minds are like parachutes..
Ideas won't work unless YOU do.
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
Don't learn safety rules by accident.
We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.
Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.
A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.
One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.
A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.
The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!
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Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all
those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you there is chaos, then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen
times gives you job security.
Artificial intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK: means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only 50 years away!
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes; that way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes!
A snooze button is a poor excuse for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
INDECISION: is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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The Five Rules to a Happy Life for Men
There are FIVE rules for men to follow to achieve a Happy Life. They are:
It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.
It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you, ever.
It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
It's very, very important that these women NEVER know each other.
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