I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No Workee!
In this house,
Who is the Boss?
Flipped a coin
Wife won the toss!
The radiator in my pick-up developed a small leak, and I didn't have the money to fix it, or to buy anti-freeze at the time, so I carried a drip pan with me......Recycling.
When I was working as a security guard in the bank, a bank three blocks from me was robbed. I told the boss that if a robber ever stuck a gun in my face, and I lived to tell about it, I was going to take a week off work and go do some serious job hunting!
I had vanity plates on my pick-up that said:
GIME$PLS
I was talking to the town hooker in the bar one day, and she told me to spread the word that she would do parties, special events, and even go out of town if requested.
The Town Marshall saw me talking to her, and after she left, he told me not to waste my money!
The hooker had vanity plates on her car that said:
FOR HIRE
When the Justice of Peace got his new car he also got new plates that said:
LAW BOSS
The Town Marshall, not to be outdone, got plates that read:
LAWCHIEF
I was working as a security guard at the bank, and two guys rode up on Harley Davidson choppers. These guys had long hair, long beards, tattoos up and down their arms and were wearing black leather vests that said: "Demons of the Road". I figured that if this wasn't an out-and-out robbery, then it must be some kind of con job.
As the pair entered the bank, and talked with one of the bankers, I watched like a hawk, ready to jump, run, or do whatever was necessary.
The two left without incident, and I asked the banker what the two wanted.
She told me it was a couple of computer programmers that came to get a loan for a Joint Venture Company they were forming. And she also added that the loan would be approved because the two of them had enough collateral to buy the bank!
I had a job working at the telephone company once.
One day, I was putting in some additional lines for the city hall, and got a couple crossed.
The Mayor got a telephone call from his girl friend talking all kinds of sweet stuff. He talked back real sweet to her also until he figured out that it was his wife! As a result of that mess, one of the nurses from the clinic, and the Vice-President of the bank left town.
The Mayor was out a girl friend, his wife was out a boy friend, and I was out of a job!
It's quite common for people of the Air Force, and the Military in general, to retire at the end of their careers, and go to work for the United States Post Office.
I just can't see, though, why anyone would want to take off one uniform, put on another, and go to work for the same assholes they had been working for the last twenty years!
I went shopping in the city once and got hit in the rear by a Mercedes-Benz while I was stopped at a light. I and the driver of the Mercedes got out to look at the damage. My bumper was a little bit bent, but it really tore up the grill of his car.
The driver of the Mercedes told me he was going to an important meeting, and was late. He asked me if I would settle for five hundred dollars. I told him yes, since that was more than what my pick-up was worth.
He wrote me out a check and departed.
I took the check down to his bank to cash it, and found out there, that the check and Mercedes were both stolen.
No wonder the guy was in such a big hurry!
I found a 1943 zinc penny in the parking lot of a bank.
It was corroded, so it had been laying there for a while, but the bank was not so old that it had been laying there since 1943, and the date was easily legible. I was wondering why someone wouldn't take better care of something that rare, when it dawned on me that someone had thrown it away!
It wasn't worth enough to try to sell, and nobody would take it in change because they would think it was counterfeit!
I had better luck with a 1950 ten dollar bill that I got in change, or at least initially I thought I had better luck.
I checked the books in the Library, and they cited than an uncirculated 1950 ten dollar bill was worth twenty dollars. This bill was circulated, so I estimated that it was worth twelve to fifteen dollars.
Then I realized that if I took it to a dealer, he was going to want five dollars to sell it for me, leaving me to lose two or three dollars.
On the other hand if I tried to pass it off in change, whoever got it, might confiscate it as counterfeit, and I'd be out ten dollars!!
Would anybody give ten dollars for a 1950 ten dollar bill?
My wife took care of all the routine bills. The only time I ever went to the bank was to get a loan or to pay a loan.
Broke Again!
When I was working for that Security Outfit, besides banks, I also worked at construction sites, remote facilities out in the country, and parking lots. After a long and arduous winter, the outside of the car was caked with mud, and the interior with mud, sand, gravel, and various hamburger wrappers.
It broke down and I called a garage, who sent out a tow truck and hauled it in for repairs.
When I picked it up, I asked the mechanic what sort of shape it was in and the mechanic told me that mechanically it was pretty good, and the rest of it didn't have anything wrong that a good flood wouldn't fix!
I had a job as a Pest Exterminator once. You'd be surprised at how much money you can make spraying houses and businesses. It is true, that the chemicals do have a smell, but after you have made the first spray of the day, you don't notice it.
But other people do!
When I came home the first day, my wife caught one scent of me and told me, "Get to the basement and get out of those clothes, and don't come up until you have taken a shower!"
I went to a burger joint one day for dinner, and the manager told me to use the fast food window next time.
I went to the supermarket to pick up some milk for home, and the manager there stopped me at the door, and told me he had just had the place sprayed, and would call when he needed it done. I figured he was mistaken and explained that I wasn't there to spray, just to pick up some items for the house. When he did the same thing the following week, I realized he wasn't making a mistake!
If I stopped in the bar after work, everybody went to the opposite end!
After I had been working a couple of months, my wife told me that the chemicals irritated her sinuses, and either the job went, or I went!
So;
I figured up how much I would lose, staying married, quitting and taking a lower paying job;
How much I would lose, keeping the job, getting a divorce, and paying my wife financial support;
My wife won by ten dollars!
Jack Richards came down to the bar and dropped us off some honey. He was a millionaire farmer that owned a big acreage up by the city. He raised bees, and took them out to orchards, and farms to pollinate the crops. He said that he got paid for that by the individual businessmen, and then the Government paid him not to sell the honey, so he brought it to us, and other people.
He said that he used to have a big herd of dairy cattle, and the Government paid him not to sell the milk, but he said it was too much work to feed and milk those cows day in and day out when he couldn't even give away that much milk, so he sold the herd to another farmer who wasn't going to sell the milk.
He invested the money in silos and grain bins for corn and soybeans, and started raising those crops. when he, and all the other farmers, had a good crop, then the prices were down, but the Government subsidies were up.
When he, and all the other farmers, had a bad crop, the prices were up, but the Government subsidies were down.
He couldn't lose!
In the fall, he harvested and sold his crop, and collected the price, plus the government subsidy.
When the price of grain had dropped as much as he thought it was going to drop, he bought it back, stored it in his silos, and grain bins, and then sold it back the next summer when the price went up as much as he thought it was going to go up.
He also planted oats. He planted those around the edges of his corn and soybean fields, and in other places where he couldn't harvest. The Government also paid him not to harvest oats.
He also made little toy tractors. He took nuts, bolts, washers, nails, and wire, welded them together, and made the cutest little tractors, which he gave us. I tried to make one myself, and came up with this thing that looked like a porcupine.
I told him he should put a tag on them that said made in the state, sell them at the curio shops up on the highway, and he could sell a thousand.
He looked at me and said, "But, That would be work!"
A friend of mine had a minor heart attack, and went to the hospital. They examined him, prescribed him medication, and he was able to go back to work, and lead a fairly normal life.
About a year later he had another, this time a major heart attack, and had to undergo by-pass surgery. The operation did not go well, and when he came out from under anesthetic, the doctors explained to him what had happened. They suggested that he should get his affairs in order, and do as little as possible. They didn't want him working, they didn't want him playing, or doing anything which would put any stress on his heart. They even suggested that he take a laxative for bowel movement!
When he asked them how much time he had left, they told him it might be six months or sixty years, depending upon how much stress he put on his heart.
He quit his job, wrapped up his affairs, and went down to the Social Security Administration to apply for disability pay.
The clerk went over his papers and told him that everything was in order, but it would take six months to get the disability pay started.
The friend looked at the clerk and told her, "I might be dead in six months!"
The clerk shrugged and told him, "Some people are."
Another friend had a double by-pass operation, a triple by-pass, and a quadruple by-pass.
He said the doctors had been in his chest so many times that they should have installed a zipper!
It is a fallacy in the business community that a business must at least look busy in order to attract business.
There are many such examples to bear this out.
Such as a Rock Music group giving away free tickets to ensure that their Rock Concert is sold out.
If you go to a Department Store or Grocery Store, there may be five people standing in line in front of two registers, and if it gets more than that, there are additional personnel called.
Where do these additional people come from?
If you ask an employee who is stocking the shelves for a specific item, they can tell you exactly where to go.
But if you see an employee who is just wandering around the store, that person knows just about as much as you do, because that is the checker waiting to go to work!
When I worked at the in-bound Telemarketing firm, they charged their customers for a ninety percent service rate, meaning that we, the operators, would answer ninety percent of all in-coming calls. If we exceeded that rate, the company figured they were losing money, and sent home, what ever amount of operators necessary to get down to the ninety percent level!
When I worked security at the bank, there were seven tellers and seven bankers working, but yet during the early day there would not be more than five customers in the bank at the same time.
Those customers still had to wait in line, even if the manager had to send extra bankers and tellers to the break room!
