Fancy Andy
Was a dandy
Who really loved his brandy
Andy came into the bar, and told the guys all about the brandies of the world. He was a connoiseur. The bar stock was just pure rotgut. The French had the best brandies, but they didn't even export them to the United States, because we Americans had no "class".
He was in the gas station waiting for his car to be serviced, and happened to notice sitting on the top shelf, a bottle of fine brandy. He waited for the owner to go outside to gas up a car, then Andy reached up, opened up the bottle and took a great big gulp.
Gasoline! He spit, gagged, and went running out the door.
Andy walked into the bar about a week later, and the bartender poured him his normal shot of brandy. Andy picked it up, smelled it, set it back down on the counter, and pushed it away.
"Just make mine a beer!"
My license plates expired and I didn't have the money to pay for new ones so I smeared mud and dust on the old ones.
I finally got the money, and was on my way to the courthouse to get the plates, when I was stopped by the police. I got a ticket for having dirty plates.
I went down to the bank to get a loan on my pick-up, and the loan officer told me I should be jailed for driving it!
I once tried buying a car at the used car lot. The lot owner said that when he tried running a credit check, the credit agency told him my credit was so bad they couldn't even print it!
At home, the garden had more weeds than plants.
The city cut off my water so I dug a well and put in a pump. My next door neighbor then paid half of my electric bill during the summer so he could water his lawn and garden.
I went fishing all the time. The biggest thing i ever caught was a two pound muskrat.
Our pool hall was called "Pay-Per-Cue".
Funk&Wagnet said the town deputy put a parking ticket on the new car of the Justice-Of-Peace. The Justice called the deputy and asked him if he wanted to eat the ticket with catsup or mustard!
The barmaid at the White Bison had a baby. Funk&Wagnet said it looked just like that young doctor that left town.
There was an attempted robbery of the bank, but the robber never got any money.
The robber went into the bank and handed my next door neighbor, the teller, a note that said "This is a robbery, give me all the money." My neighbor read the note and passed out. The robber ran out the door.
I made a batch of home brewed beer in the basement. I got too much sugar in the bottles and they started blowing up. My wife told me to get it out of the basement, so I took it out and buried it in the garden. for the next month we couldn't go into the garden because of the "landmines" going off.
I got more bills in the mail than letters.
Our mailman was a comedian. He said he had more letters than the alphabet, had more miles on his feet than his car had on the odometer, and got more days under the sun than Alaska.
The holes in the street got so big that we named them after lakes. The one in front of the house was so big, I called it Pacific. When it froze over in the winter, we went skating.
When I first bought my house, the basement in it was like the basements of most older houses in the area, stone walls, and dirt floor, and belonged primarily to the spiders, snakes, and mice. I plastered the walls, cemented in the floor, and made a nice washroom for my wife, a nice den for myself, and a playroom for the kids. If someone asked about it though, I told them "You mean the snake pit?" That way the taxman didn't come around.
The bully of the class started picking on my youngest son. My son put up with it for a while. Then he stole a tube of lipstick from my wife and took it to school.
He waited around a blind corner, and when the bully turned it, he smeared lipstick across the face of the bully and then ran.
My son ducked and hid from the bully for four days, and then he did it again!
The other kids made so much fun of the bully that the bully ducked and hid from my son!
The town hooker came in the bar one day. She said she worked primarily in the city, but would "Moonlight" if anybody was interested.
My army neighbor was a marksman when he was in the army. When the gun club had a shooting match, he went, and it normally ended up at the end of the match, in a shoot off between him and the town marshall, who had been in the Marines. My neighbor had always beat out the marshall, except for the one shooting match, when the marshall beat him pretty bad.
Funk&Wagnet said the marshall doctored up some shells by mixing some flour with gun powder. When my neighbor went to the bathroom, he switched some of the shells.
The marshall said "Marine Motto". If you can't beat, ........ cheat!
I was in the city the one day and I saw our ex-senator. He told me that he had become a lobbyist. He got three hundred dollars an hour to listen to other people's gripes, and then go tell congress. What a rip-off. He wouldn't even do that when he was a senator!
The owner of the theater started showing X-rated adult only films on monday nights. He said that it was standing room only, in more ways than one.
My wife had a green thumb. She had the biggest flowers, reddest tomatoes, greenest cucumbers, etc. One time I asked her how she did it and she told me, "Work!"
My oldest daughter graduated from high school and got herself a job as a secretary. She lasted one day. The boss told her to make some coffee, and she told him, "I don't drink it, so make your own damn coffee!"
My garage had room for two cars plus my shop. I had a small lathe, drillpress, welder, and an air compressor. I think it was more modern than our shop at work.
It also had a refrigerator for beer, and a big boom box that was always playing country and western music. My neighbors call it the Tonkey-Honk.
Outside of town, there was a place called "beer bridge", where we went to fish, talk, and drink beer.
It was also where we went to work out our disagreements. Even today it is still used by the teens as a spot where they can have a beer in peace, and they still go there to settle their differences.
Funk&Wagnet said that recently two teenaged boys went out there, and about thirty carloads of their friends went to watch.
When it was all done, they decided to stop at the fast food restaurant. The manager saw these two dirty and bloody guys along with all of the other teens coming in and called the sheriff's patrol. Told them there was a riot. Fifteen cars of deputys showed up armed with shotguns and in full riot gear to see sixty teenagers sitting quietly, eating hamburgers, and drinking pop!
It rained forty days and forty nights in September.
The roof of the shop leaked so bad we couldn't work.
My mechanic neighbor said he was going to build an ark.
I grew a beard and told everybody to call me Noah.
The animals came by twos, fours, sixes, they came or went anywhere they could to get out of the weather.
My basement flooded so many times I thought it was a swimming pool.
Everybody in the shop including the boss did a stop rain dance.
I couldn't see the potholes because of the river flowing down the road
Old Tom just sat in the window shaking his head, too wet to go outside.
When Scratch went outside, we would have to blow dry him to keep him from flooding the carpet.
A farmer said he saw an ark floating down the river.. Turned out it was my cabin.
My next door neighbor bought a new pick-up. It was four wheel drive with extended cab, extended box, dual rear tires, etc. It was so long and so wide that it took him three tries to park it in his driveway, and then only after backing into a car. At the bank they created him a special parking spot and posted it "semi-trucks and duallies only".
Then he had to have his garage rebuilt so he could park it inside.
The mayor went to the city and got arrested for trying to pick up a hooker. He told the judge that he wasn't after sex, he was just trying to give the poor girl a ride home. The judge was sympathetic and gave the mayor a hundred dollar fine and a year's probation.
A young guy bought farmer Jones' house and land. He said he was retired stockbroker. When asked if he knew anything about farming, he said he didn't, but he had bought it for the tax write off, and since it was in such poor shape he could claim it as a total loss.
A month later the feds came and got the stockbroker. The marshall said the stockbroker was retired as in fraud, embezzlement, and tax evasion. We wouldn't see him for another thirty years.
Another month passed, and the stockbroker came back. He said he had paid a million dollar fine, gave up his brokers license, THEN, told the feds how he had done it.
Then he added "Anybody know a good accountant? I'm going to be audited for the next ten years!"
The town hooker said she gave senior citizen discounts.
My wife had a celebration. She took over my den to use as an ironing room, and when she was packing, she found $1800 in a book..
The summer got so hot and dry:
The fire department cancelled the fourth of July.
The bookie took bets on when and how much it would rain.
Ants wouldn't cross the sidewalk.
Even the heat lightning went some place else, where it was cool.
The price of sandals went up because the ground was too hot to go barefoot.
My wife went to see the banker to get a loan for her ironing business, and the banker told her that he could give a better rate if she divorced me.
The owner of the shop, closed the doors. Said he was going to California and start a new business in plastics. We employees mortgaged everything we owned, Houses, cars, etc., and bought the place, lock, stock, and contracts. Everybody had a title. The boss told me my title was "Vice-President of Merchandise", then added "Now merchandise your ass over to that lathe and get it running!"
Our employee corporation was called "Port of last Resort"
During the corporation meeting it was decided that the standard workweek would be fifty hours with no overtime pay and no vacation till the place was paid for.
Production quotas went up, and we had to pay for our own coffee!
No coffee, No workee, No job, No house, No car, etc.
Whoever said you could make more money working for yourself....... lied!
My lathe broke. The boss looked it over and said "It's dead. The only thing lacking is a casket and flowers!"
The corporation bought me a new automatic lathe, and doubled my production quota. Then they had to buy one for Joe. The boss said "At this rate we'll have the place paid for by the second Saturday of next week!"
My oldest daughter had a job as a seamstress. She said that she stuck the needle in herself so many times she thought she was a doctor.
She tried telemarketing also, the day she quit she asked, "Doesn't anybody in the United States know how to speak English?"
She had a job in a shoe store. That lasted until a customer came in who had feet that smelled so bad she lost her lunch.
She was a waitress in a bar. A customer pinched her on the rear and she broke his arm.
She was a cook in a steakhouse. A customer sent back a steak, saying that it was too rare.
She cooked another, and the customer sent it back saying it was too done.
The third steak she personally delivered and when the customer said it wasn't done enough, she done it right over his head!
The oldest daughter finally got a job at a bakery. Beat batter, slop cakes, and she learned decorating.
My youngest son took a political science class when he was in high school. He and his classmates formed a political pre-voting party, and wrote Congress on issues that pertained to themselves and future generations. They called themselves, Future Voters of America.
At the bar, we called them the Bobby Sox Lobby.
Down at work we had a guy whose nickname was Coon. Coon was a big guy, standing 6 foot six and weighing three hundred pounds.
His wife was five foot and weighed one hundred pounds. Coon used to drink often and he used to drink a lot, and his wife would nag and rag on him about his carousing. One time he got all drunk up and went home and his wife started nagging and ragging, and when Coon couldn't take any more, he bent over to her and said, if you don't like it, hit me!
And she did!
When Coon woke up the next morning he had two black eyes. We started calling him Coon down in the shop and it stuck. After that, Coon ASKED permission to go to the bar, and he didn't drink THAT much!
When I was standing security guard in the bank, one of the customers asked me how I could stand doing nothing all day long. I told him I was a pro. The Air Force taught me well!
