Brown Collar Jokes for Rednecks
Original Jokes Wit and Humor
I'm a Brown Collar Worker!
No Coffee, No Workee!
I had a job digging ditches. We were laying pipe in a twenty foot deep trench in one hundred degree heat when the big boss drove up and started yelling "Dig faster! Work harder!"
I told him we were working as fast as we could in the heat. The boss said he was behind schedule and we were going to have to "Push harder"
So I pushed him. All the way to the bottom of that twenty foot trench.
Once I worked as an operator at an outbound telemarketing firm soliciting donations for a charity organization. It took about three days to realize that everybody was either dead or had just gotten out of the hospital.
I was working customer service at an in-bound telemarketing firm and a lady called up and said she had had nothing but trouble with her order and wanted to talk with my boss.
I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her and she said "Yes, get my boss!"
When I was working at that in-bound telemarketing firm, I had a real slow and bad day once and while I was waiting for a call, my supervisor came by and told me "Smile, the customers could see me".
I told him "The only time I smile is when I have a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other!" The boss walked away, bent over in laughter.
We were flying one of the drones on a test flight down southwest in the Yellow Sea area, when it got out of our control. we had been having control problems, so it was electronically programmed to turn and head back north east to Osan where we could regain control. Except that it didn't work.
We alerted authorities who scrambled American F-4s and South Korean F-5s to shoot down the "UFO". But they missed and the little bugger just kept right on going northeast into North Korea.
The North Koreans scrambled on it but couldn't even get close.
And the little engine just kept right on going, right over a corner of Russia, which scrambled their jets, and missed.
And it just kept right on going. American and Japanese jets were waiting right outside of Russian territory to take another crack at it, but they never even got a sighting. And the little UFO just kept right on going.
By the course, speed and altitude reading of the last radar sighting, and figuring the fuel remaining on board, it was calculated that the bird ran out of gas and crashed just short of the Aleution Islands off the coast of Alaska.
But we were lucky that drone had been flying down southwest in the Yellow Sea
and had already been flying for a couple of hours before we lost it. If it would have had a full tank of gas and been flying up northeast in the Sea of Japan, it might have made the Defense Early Warning Radar Line in Alaska, and we might have started World War III all by ourselves!
I take my own tobasco sauce to the chili cook-off.
My mechanic neighbor used to brag that he took his own bowl to the chili cook-off at the White Bison. The last time he went, he walked up to one of the cooks and handed him the bowl for a "Taste". The cook filled it and handed it back. My neighbor tasted it and said there was no peppers. No heat!
The cook told him that he cooked his chili for taste not "Heat", but if he wanted something hotter, try adding some tobasco sauce. It should make it much better.
My neighbor grabbed the bottle of tobasco sauce and dumped it in the bowl. He stirred it up and took a great big bite. His face turned red, his eyes started watering, he dropped the bowl, chugged his beer and went running out of the White Bison Club!
Funk&Wagnet said the cooks got together and laced tomato juice with pure pepper extract and then put it into empty tobasco sauce bottles. Every cook had a bottle waiting for my neighbor. They fixed him and his "Heat" problem.
After my oldest son got into high school, he started also mowing lawns for his customers. He changed the name of his business to "Mow&Go"
After my oldest son got married, his lawn business picked up to where he was seldom at home. His wife started spending her extra time over at my house with the baby. When my wife's ironing business got busy, my son's wife helped. One day my son called and asked his wife what she was doing and she joked to him that she was "Pumping iron."
Now she and my wife are in business together.
When I was at Osan, one of my pals had a Korean girlfriend. When he was leaving, he had a tearful departure, telling her that he still loved his American girlfriend and was going back to her. He didn't tell her though that he was married and had two kids. He also didn't tell his girlfriend that he was leaving her thirty days early because he wanted to make sure that he didn't have any venereal disease to take back to his wife.
Two days before he left, the guys in his unit talked him into going down town, for just one "last" tour of the bars before he left. He walked into one of the bars, and there sat his Korean girlfriend! She saw him, grabbed a beer bottle, broke it over the counter, and chased him out the door and up the road, screaming, "You S. O. B."!!
Another buddy was supposed to be leaving at the end of one of the months, but regulations were changed, so he could leave fifteen days early. He went down and made his flight reservations. Two days before he was supposed to leave, he came down with venereal disease. He had to go see the unit commander, who told him that he could change his reservations back to the end of the month so that my buddy could get his problem cured. My buddy told him not to do that, he could handle his problem. He went from there to the clinic, and got penicillin shots.
Two days later, he left on a plane, which stopped in Alaska, where he went to the clinic and got more shots. The plane took off again and eventually landed in California. He stayed over night and then got more shots. My buddy wrote us back a letter and told us that when he got home, he had a sore ass, but he didn't have venereal disease or a cold.
Everything that goes up must come down!
In South Korea, the Presidential home is known as the Blue House. It, like our White House, has a no fly zone above it. The Blue House is located in Seoul, which is approximately 35 miles from the De-Militarized zone with North Korea.
For this reason, the Blue House is heavily defended with Vulcan Missiles, and fifty caliber Anti-Aircraft Artillery. Kimpo International Airport is 5 miles north of the Blue House. One night an American Cargo liner took off out of Kimpo on the west runway, and while it was supposed to turn north in the pattern, the pilot decided to save time and turned south, right over the Blue House.
The Koreans shot everything at the plane that they had. One operator of a turret mounted anti-aircraft artillery gun couldn't see the target so he put the turret into a continual 360 degree turn and just kept firing blindly. My buddies who saw this, said that the tracers going up in the air looked like a fire fountain. The light display from this air defense looked better than any fireworks show they had seen. The shrapnel though, when it fell to the ground, killed three people, and injured many more. Radar reported that the pilot, when he saw the tracers, put the airplane on its side, and made a rapid and violent turn out of the area.
When the airplane landed in Japan, the pilot was questioned and he said, "Who me?"
An army helicopter was flying along the De-Militarized zone of South Korea, checking lights and, remote radar facilities. In this area all aircraft had one specific pattern that they had to fly in order to identify that they were friendly aircraft. Anything flying a different pattern was automatically fired upon as being hostile. The pilot got lost, and instead of calling for help, flew until he saw a base with a helipad, landed, and got out of his aircraft to go ask for directions.
And then was amazed when the North Koreans started shooting at him! He got back into the helicopter, took off and flew south, until he saw another helipad, and was starting to land, when the South Koreans started shooting!
He got out of there, and flew south until he figured that he could climb in altitude and ask for help. When he returned to base he was immediately reassigned back to the United States. His Trainer, Flight Certification Instructor, and Unit Commander were fired, and reassigned to non-flying duties.
A new pilot of the Osan Aeroclub who had just got his license, checked out a plane so he could make a cross country solo. He took off and turned north. He was just flying along, enjoying the scenery, when he saw fireworks.
He was watching it, then he noticed the North Korean flag flying in the breeze, and realized the fireworks was tracers coming at him.
He turned south and headed out of there. He got on the radio and finally was able to contact Osan Air Traffic Control, who guided him back, right over the top of the Blue House, which shot at him.
When he finally got the plane on the ground, investigators found bullet holes in the plane from both the South and North Koreans. The pilot was permanently grounded. The manager of the Osan Aeroclub was reassigned. All the pilots of the Osan Aeroclub were grounded, and they and all the Osan Air Traffic Controllers had to undergo retraining and recertification.
The company retirement plan was cancelled due to lack of participation.
My oldest son bought the building that the ice cream parlor was in. When they moved out, he put his lawn business in it.
We have a new state senator, who runs around in blue jeans, denim shirt, and cowboy boots. He says his priority is going to be economic development particularly in the small towns. He says that he won't make any promises because in Washington DC, promises are lies and excuses!
When I got out of the Air Force, I got a job with the CIA. Everything went smooth until I got into an arguement with my boss and told him that the Russians had more intelligence than he did!
I went into the city and got into a fight with a guy in a bar. We broke up some tables and chairs, and I got thirty days in jail. The jailor made me a trustee.
Back to peeling and mashing potatoes!
I had a buddy who was a semi-truck driver. He stood five foot three inches, and was very friendly. He had to pick up cargo at a warehouse where there was a teamster working who stood six foot, and who was very strong from loading the trucks.
The teamster started calling my driver buddy "Shorty". The driver asked the teamster several times to stop, but the teamster just laughed.
One day the driver had a splitting headache, was running late, and just having a bad day. He backed the semi into the dock, got out, and was walking up the ramp, and there stood the teamster.
"Hi, Shorty!"
The, driver grabbed the collar of the teamster, pulled down, and swung as hard as he could.
The knees of the teamster buckled, and he hit the ground. When the teamster set up, the driver was standing over him, waiting to do it again.
The teamster appologized to the driver, and said he wouldn't do it again.
The driver appologized to the teamster also, and that was the end of it.
Afterwards, my buddy told me, "It was scary. I would hate to think of what would have happened if I would have missed!"
The driver buddy was heading home, pulling a set of double trailers up the interstate. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before because of thunderstorms moving through the area, and dozed off at the wheel.
He snapped awake when the left front wheel hit the rain softened shoulder. He fought the wheel, but the mud sucked him on down. He knew if he hit the brakes, he'd have both trailers over on top of him, so he down shifted the transmission and floored the gas. When the truck hit the water at the bottom of the median, he glanced in the mirror, and couldn't even see the trailers because of the rooster tail of mud and water.
The truck came out of the water, and headed up the bank towards the on-coming lanes of traffic. Again, he fought the wheel, and the truck turned back down into the mud.
Again, the truck came out of the water, and up the bank, this time towards the lanes going in the right direction. The truck hit the concrete and skidded. As he was fighting the wheel, he glanced in the mirror, and it looked like a snake back there with these trailers fishtailing and rocking back and forth.
Somehow a miracle occurred though, and the truck straightened out, with both trailers following behind.
When the driver got home, the boss saw the rig, and came out to see him.
The boss asked "What were you doing, plowing corn!"
"Took a detour."
Willie was an entrepreneur of rare and exotic antique automotive memorabilia. Or that's what he called himself. The guys at the bar called him a "Junk Yard Dog". His house had more rusty auto parts laying around outside than most salvage yards. But we did have to admit that he made a living off all these old parts that he dug up out of junk yards, barns, ditches, etc.
He was down at the back of the gas station "scrounging" one day and as he was going through a scrap heap way back in the far corner of the lot he found an old army jeep. It was buried under barrels, scrap iron, and old junk car parts, but there it was, a genuine, World War II Army Jeep. He asked the owner of the gas station about it, and the owner told him he didn't know anything, but he had bought everything lock, stock, and barrel, so he sold it to Willie for two hundred dollars.
Willie had a Jeep! A real rusty, rotten, mouse eaten, World War II, Army Jeep.
It took Willie a year of scrounging, welding, scraping, rebuilding, grinding, and painting, but the day finally came for him to fire it up and drive it down to the bar to show all of his friends, his brand new, reconditioned, authentic, World War II Army Jeep!
Anybody though, that ever drove one of those Jeeps in World War II, will tell you that those things are ornerier than a mule, and Willie found out when he went through the intersection in front of the bar. The Jeep coughed twice, and slid to a stop.
The guys and I went out to see this "gem" that Willie had found, and we spent the next hour rocking, pulling, and lifting, before the transmission came unfroze.
Willie was very proud of his jeep, though, and whenever it would run, he would go tooling around town, honking the horn and waving, from his brand new, reconditioned, authentic, World War II Army Jeep.
One day, he decided to go out and go "four-wheeling" like the other jeep owners. He was bouncing down through the meadow in the ruts, and as he went over a log, the jeep bottomed out, and he heard a snap. The throttle dropped to the floor, and the Jeep took off roaring. It rocked to the left and right and jumped up and down. While willie was trying to dodge trees, he worked the clutch and, transmission, but they were stuck also.
Finally he remembered the ignition switch, and reached up to switch off the motor. The switch broke off in his hand! The Jeep went down to the bottom of the meadow, and started up the side of a hill. It suddenly stood straight up in the air and dumped Willie. The motor quit, and the front wheels dropped back to the ground. The Jeep started rolling backwards, and would have run over Willie if it hadn't got stuck on a rock.
Willie walked back to town and got a tow truck who wenched the jeep out and towed it back to Willie's house. After he got the Jeep down, the tow truck operator told Willie that he used to have a jeep just like that one.
Willie asked him "What happened to it?"
The driver answered, "It nearly killed me three times, so I junked it!"
Willie, thinking about parts, asked the driver "Where?"
"The last I saw of it was down in the scrap heap behind the gas station."
Anybody want to but a brand new, reconditioned, authentic, World War II Army Jeep?
