I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No Workee!
In the shop, we had to listen to machinery running all day long. When we were finished, we went to the bar for a few drinks, and peace and quiet. The youngsters came in after we were gone and played the juke box. Occasionally a young turk came in and dropped a dollar in the juke box. It took three people, one to hold the door, and two to pick up and pitch, and then peace and quiet.
Once six of them came in, and declared that the bar was their territory and they would play the juke box any they wanted.
One guy grabbed the door, the fathers stood up and four of the kids ran. The other two weren't fast enough. Their fathers pitched them by the collar and belt.
Peace and quiet!
Funk&Wagnet said the Foreman of the Warehouse got into a heated argument with one of the secretaries.
She called him a Bastard. He called her a Bitch, and he had to go see his boss for "Discrimination Counselling".
I had a job as a security guard in the Lumber Yard once. I was replaced by a dog. The owner said the dog ate less and was friendlier to the customers.
The best watchman's job I had was at the swimming pool. I got paid to sit and watch the girls in their bikinis while all of the other guys were paying to do the same.
The owner of the lumber yard went down one night and caught the night watchman sleeping. The owner threatened to fire the security company, so my boss stood watch in the Lumber Yard for thirty nights.
I was doing watch duty in a hotel. I needed to check the second floor, so I went into the elevator which was right next to our desk. I entered the elevator and pressed the button for the second floor. The elevator went to the second floor, stuck, and the door wouldn't open. I tried calling the desk on the radio, but the battery died! I picked up the emergency telephone, but couldn't remember the telephone number for the desk! I was just standing there with the radio in one hand, the telephone in the other, and my mouth wide open, when a customer came by and let me out.
My barber told me he should charge me double for going so long between haircuts.
I was working as a security guard in a bank once. The young people had been parking in the Handicap Zone all morning. A young couple parked there and the male got out and came in the bank to cash a check. The female sat there in the driver's seat with the motor running, listening to the radio. I really wasn't supposed to say anything, but I couldn't take it any longer. I walked out and told her, "The parking here is for elderly, handicapped, and weak of mind, which category do you fit in?"
She moved!
I turned that into a leaflet for windows, and then I wrote another for people that don't know how to park.
"When you sit down at home, do you take up two chairs also?"
Funk&Wagnet said a Railroad Engineer went to see the doctor, and asked him if Viagra would give his engine more "Lasting Power".
I had a job in a gas station once. I and another guy pumped gas, checked oil, and cleaned windows. A pretty young gal, with a short skirt came in for gas one day, and my partner was really polishing that front window, when the girl stuck her head out of the side window and asked my partner if she need to pull the dress any higher.
You can tell a woman's real chest size by the number of hooks on the strap of her bra. When you undo the last one, and there are three or more, watch out for whiplash!
The wife of Joe, at work, went to the Furniture Store and bought a new bedroom set. A couple of days later she happened to notice that there was sawdust on the floor next to the dresser. She cleaned it up without giving it a thought. A couple more days, there was more and she told Joe about it. He examined the dresser and found boring worms in the wood. He went to the store to complain, and the salesman told him that they didn't have any more of that set in stock, so they would have to give him a more expensive set, and Joe would have to pay the difference.
Joe told the salesman that if he didn't get that "Shit" out of his bedroom, he would get a lawyer, and he would have the whole damn store as well as the salesman's job!
Joe got a new top of the line bedroom set, a new living room set, his money was refunded, and the salesman doesn't work there any more.
Funk&Wagnet said the barmaid from the White Bison had a flat tire. A passing motorist stopped on the opposite side of the road to ask her if she needed any help. The barmaid told him no, and bent over to undo a nut. The Bank Vice-President passing by, hit the motorist in the rear.
The barmaid in the White Bison had the hots for the new doctor in town. He was single, good looking, and owned a Corvette. Funk&Wagnet said he told his nurse that he thought the barmaid was pretty and would like to date her, but he was worried about any "Permanent Attachments" she might have in mind.
The boss asked us to stay after work one night, because there was going to be a speaker to tell us about a new Company Retirement Plan. The speaker was a young guy, dressed in expensive sports slacks, white shirt, fancy tie, and wore a gold watch and a diamond ring. He's the type that you love to hate. He pulled out pie charts, bar graphs, talked about mutual funds, stocks, annuities, tax deferment, Company participation, Research and development, modernization, collateral, etc! etc! etc!
After thirty minutes, my head was spinning, so I stood up and asked, "Basically, you are going to take two thousand dollars of my money a year, invest it in the stock market, and if stocks go up, I make money, but if they go down or the Company goes broke, I lose!". The speaker said, "Essentially yes, but...". I snapped at him, "I can get better odds with the Bookie!", and walked out.
When I first went into the Air Force, they made me a cook. Back to peeling and mashing potatoes!
I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Pain,
No Gain,
Now try it Again,
But use your Brain.
I had a buddy who stood six foot six and weighed two hundred and fifty pounds. While not a mean guy, he'd stand toe-to-toe with anybody. He said that one time, he went to the city and got drunk. He went into a bar and there was this short, stocky kid there, drunk, and shooting off his mouth. The kid saw my buddy and said, "Gee, I didn't know they let country bums drink beer!"
That started things and they went out the door, and back behind the bar. He said the kid was just beating the Hell out of him when he caught the kid with a punch and put him down. He left the bar and didn't go back for a long time. When he did go back, he was sober. He walked into the bar, and there sat that short stocky kid, also sober. The kid saw my buddy and said "Outside, We have some business to finish!" To the rear of the bar again where they pounded the Hell out of each other for fifteen minutes. As they were each standing there, trying to catch their breaths, my buddy told the kid, "I'd rather be drinking beer." The kid said "Me too", and they walked back into the bar together. My buddy said that after that when he ran into a short stocky kid with a big mouth, he went somewhere else. He said, "That hurt!"
When my next door neighbor was elected Vice-Governor at the White Bison, I asked him if he was going to be in charge of entertainment.
When I was in the Air Force, I and a couple of guys was working on an Army Base. An Army Lieutenant went by us riding a bicycle, with his left hand on the handlebars and carrying books in his right hand. We saluted him and he dropped his books and saluted back.
A buddy of mine was a driver in the motor pool at this Army Base. I was walking along in a daze, and this car passed right in front of me. I snapped out of my daydream just in time to see it was my buddy driving, so I waved at him. Then I saw that Three Star Air Force General in the back seat saluting back. When I got back to the shop, there had already been a telephone call for ME, and MY BOSS, to let ME know:
!!! I AM REQUIRED TO SALUTE THREE STAR GENERALS !!!
The shop I worked in was located next to the Army Postal Unit. One early November, we had a cold snap, and the Postal Commander asked the sergeant Major to see if he could get us some heat.
The Sergeant Major came back later and reported that the Civil Engineers had said there would be no heat until November fifteenth due to energy conversation.
The Commander yelled at the Sergeant Major, "You tell the Civil Engineers that until we get heat, they can pick up their mail in Timbuktu!"
We had heat an hour later!
We had a hooker in town. She called her services "Pay-Per-Woo"
The Justice of Peace said then he was a lawyer, he called his fees, "Pay-Per-Sue".
I was flying on a Research and Development aircraft at Osan Air Base in Korea. We were about five miles out of the base, poking holes in the sky, while we calibrated the equipment. There was an F-4 flying up along the De-Militarized Zone, and the radar picked up some unidentified blips in his area. They transmitted him a code warning him to take evasive action, except there was a mix up, they sent the code to our plane, and we went into a steep nosedive! There was a civilian electronics technician on board at the rear of the plane, who ran all the way to the front, put on his parachute and gear, ran back to the rear escape door, started pounding, and was yelling, "Let me out! Let me out!", when we leveled off.
We had a Chow Runner on our crew. That is a guy that is responsible for picking up lunches, coffee, and water from the mess hall for the flight. One time The Chow Runner talked the Mess Sergeant out of six pies for us. Three banana cream, and three chocolate, all with whipped egg white toppings. Our kitchen on the airplane was pretty small and the lunches took up all the cabinet space, so the Runner put the pies on the kitchen counter which faced to the rear of the plane. After we took off and was cleared to move about, a guy went to the kitchen to get some coffee. We heard yelling, and cussing, and went back to see what was going on. when the plane went up, the pies went down! All we had was our hands and cardboard to clean up the mess. and no water to wash the floor, so for the rest of the mission, when you went to the bathroom or kitchen it was squish, slurp, squish, slurp! The Ground Crew had to clean up the mess when we landed. Afterwards, the word came back to us all the way from the Pentagon,
"No Pies In The Skies!"
The little engine that thought it could,
Said it would,
Did more than it should.
I was also on a Research and Development Project for drones at Osan. It was originally calculated that those things would fly at an altitude of sixty to sixty-five thousand feet. But every time we flew one, we set a new altitude record. When we began to approach the seventy thousand foot mark, the drones began falling out of the sky.
An F-4 Fighter was stripped and sent up to observe the drone. The pilot said that as he was catching up with the drone, the F-4 was huffing, puffing, bucking, jumping, and shrieking, and he had just enough time to notice that the wings of the drone were vibrating, when one of the engines of the F-4 quit and he had to descend.
The engineers decided that the wings of the drone were too thin for the rarefied air of the seventy thousand foot mark, so they added lead skids to the end of the wings to dampen the vibration. With that, we set an altitude record of seventy-six thousand, three hundred feet.
That F-4 pilot is probably still wondering what sort of UFO he was chasing!
