I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No Workee
Funk&Wagnet said the wife of my next door neighbor went to the video store to get a movie for the children. As she was walking by the back room, she saw a movie called "Goldilocks and the three bares", so she bought it and took it home to the kids. The owner of the video store, who was a member of the White Bison Club, said he didn't know how such a thing got into his store. He also made a large donation to the High school football team.
Everybody knew Farmer Jones made Moonshine. Had for forty years. Imagine everybody's surprise when the Feds raided him, and found no whiskey, but a ton of Pot. When asked why, Jones said he hadn't made any whiskey for ten years. He said it was easier and a lot more profitable to raise Pot. He bought his whiskey from another moonshiner and resold it to cover up his Marijuana growing.
The owner of the Liquor Store said he made more money booking sports than selling liquor. He'd even give you a free bottle if you lost enough money.
He gave me an Airline bottle of whiskey once.
When I hit a $200 Parlay bet, Funk&Wagnet called my wife, and she was waiting to collect half when I came out of the front door of the store.
Funk&Wagnet said the owner of the Grocery Store bought a semi truck load of over-ripe watermelons for $50. He advertised them as $1 apiece, one-per-customer, and sold them all in one day.
Funk&Wagnet said the owner of the Used Car lot, who was also a member of the white Bison Club, went to an Auction and bought a bunch of high mileage cars. He then rolled the odometers way back and sold them as low mileage one-owners.
The President of the Bank bought one for his teen-aged daughter, which quit when she pulled into the driveway. The car lot owner refunded the money, and also made a large donation to the High school football team.
I think I owned that car!
When Farmer Brown's field corn got ripe, he took it down to the Highway, and sold it to the tourists as "Sweetcorn".
I bought myself a cabin down on the river so I could do some fishing. I called it "River Rat's Roost". The cabin was actually just an old trailer bolted to two telephone poles, and drug down to the river. There was no electricity, or running water. I drilled a sand point well, and built a "One-Holer" out back of the cabin. We had lanterns for light, and an icebox to keep things cold while we were there.
The problem with it was that every spring, the river flooded the cabin.
When I and my wife did get time to go to it, it was clean out the mud and dust the cabin, fix the road and river bank, cut weeds and mow the grass. I Either didn't have the time, or was too damned tired to do any fishing!.
Funk&Wagnet said the stool in the Ladies' room in the theater backed up and a plumber had to be called. He pulled out two rubbers and a pair of ladies' panties.
I'm a Brown Collar Worker
Brown Collar Today
Brown Collar Tomorrow
Gotta make a buck
Beg, Steal, or Borrow
In the bar, a farmer told me his car needed painting, so I looked it over. It was very dirty, but didn't seem to have any rust, so I told him $200, half down, half upon completion. The farmer gave me $100 and left. I took it down to the car wash where the water cleaned off the dirt, and all the old paint. All that was left was rust. I'll never paint another car for a farmer.
Funk&Wagnet said the President of the Bank was suspended from the Golf Club for Three Months. He got drunk and drove his cart into the water, not once, but twice. He said he was taking a shortcut, and missed the turn.
The Captain of our Volunteer Fire Department, started a fire out in the field to burn some tree stumps. The wind shifted and he had to call the Fire Department to save his own house.
My wife used to work in a women's clothing store. A woman came in and asked for a size ten pair of pants. My wife told the lady that she looked more like a size fourteen. The lady told my wife that she had always worn size ten
My wife replied, "Only with an open zipper!", and the lady walked out the door.
My next door neighbor called the law on me because Old Scratch was barking, so I got a dead skunk, and put it on the exhaust manifold of his car.
My army neighbor told me that when he was young, he decided that he wanted to buy a new Cadillac. Army wages were low, and Cadillacs even then were expensive. He scrimped and scraped and saved until he almost had enough, and the Army gave him orders to Alaska. He decided that a Cadillac was not a good car for Alaska, so he bought a four-wheel drive pick-up. He said he made so much money pulling people out of ditches with that pick-up, that he bought two Cadillacs when he got home.
We had an October ice storm which took down the top half of the tree in my front yard. The Insurance Company said there was no damage to the house, and wouldn't pay for the tree, or the mess it made, but did give me two hundred dollars for my fence.
I cut up the branches and burned them in my wood burner, and I still gotta get that fence fixed so I can claim it in the next storm.
The trees of my other neighbors were damaged also. My Army neighbor went down to the Hardware Store to buy a chain saw. The owner of the store gave my neighbor a price of $1000 on a chainsaw, that the week before, had sold for $150. My neighbor asked him, "So, You're selling rip-offs now instead of ripsaws?"
I cut up his large logs and branches as well as the rest of my neighbor's and stocked my woodpile. I didn't have to buy wood for three years. The rest of the trash, I hauled to the dump for $25 a load.
I was driving down a back gravel road drinking a beer, when a deer jumped out in front of me. I floored the gas to follow it, but the damn thing out-ran me.
I was at the County Fair, and one of our State Senators was there campaigning. It was ninety degrees, and he was wearing a three piece suit, a red tie, gold cuff links and watch and a diamond stick pin and ring, and didn't even sweat.
Just for orneriness, I walked over and asked him, "What are you going to do for a living when the election is over?". He stuttered and stammered and said he wasn't going to worry about it.
I was out of a job, broke, and down on my luck, so I decided to rob a bank. I just wanted to grab enough to get by till I could find a job. I drove over to the next town and was sitting in the parking lot, casing the place, when a guy robbed it. I gave a description of the guy, and his car to the police, and I got the reward money.
But, I sure hope that guy wasn't a Brown Collar Worker like me, just broke and down on his luck!
My oldest son worked in the Ice cream Parlor for a while.
They fired him because he ate more than he sold.
One winter, every night, I took the battery of my pick-up into the house with me, trying to make it last another year.
At work, the coffee pot quit working, and so did we.
Then the pot and coffee were furnished.
But the production quotas went up again.
The boss hired a secretary, who lasted for three days. Said she couldn't work under such primitive conditions.
The owner of the shop bidded a contract on a new "Widget". The Tool&Die man looked at the blueprints and said we couldn't make it with the equipment we had. I went home, thought about it, and built it in my garage. I took it to work and explained how I did it.
They fired the Tool&Die man and I got a letter of appreciation and a dinner for two at the Buffet!
A machinery salesman from the Acme Machinery Company, brought in a new automatic lathe to demonstrate to the boss, and Company owner, how much faster and more efficient that new equipment was. There was to be a work-off with Joe running half of a contract on his old lathe and the salesman running half on the new on.
The new one broke on the third piece, and it took three days to get parts to repair it. Joe finished the contract himself.
The next work-off was me and the new lathe. It broke on the first piece.
The boss told the salesman to get that piece of junk, and his ass out the door!
The boss invited us over to his house for a Christmas party, and then charged us each a five-dollar entry fee. The consensus of opinion was that he wouldn't do that again, because each of us definitely got our five-dollars worth.
My wife had a job cleaning houses once.
She was working in a very dirty one, and the owner came in, and started complaining that my wife had missed here, there, etc. So my wife shoved the feather duster in the owner's mouth.
