I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No Workee
The neighbor across the street was an automobile mechanic. He overhauled the engine in my pick-up for the cost of parts plus beer. It would have been cheaper to pay cash!
I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Muss, No Fuss.
Just sweat, work, and cuss.
I didn't speak any words that didn't have four letters.
A farmer gave me an old chevy with a bad motor.
Another farmer gave me an old tractor with a bad transmission.
I took the motor out of the tractor, put it in the chevy, and sold it for five hundred dollars to a third farmer who said it was the perfect farm car.
Then the first two farmers wanted to know if I had any more deals like that!
My youngest daughter said she wanted to be a priest when she grew up.
She said she wanted to get more than a lick of wine!
At work, the building was used as a stable for the cavalry during the Civil War.
We called it "Fort Knocks"!
During the winter, if we asked for more heat, the boss told us that if we were doing our job, we wouldn't have time to be cold.
In the autumn, I raked my leaves when the wind was blowing towards my neighbor.
My oldest son got married and moved out. Then I had to feed him, his wife and baby.
God said, "Let there be woman.", and hasn't been able to speak since.
My next door neighbor bought himself a new car.
His old one got dirty.
I wore matching ensembles.
The grease stains on the shirts matched the grease stains on the pants.
I'm a Brown Collar Worker
Early to bed.
Early to rise.
And you won't have to tell no lies!
One time, the White Bison had a stag party on a pay night. I went, had a good run of luck, and gambled all night long.
When I got home the next morning, I told my wife that I went fishing, but didn't have any luck.
My wife looked at me and said, "forkover Fishbreath! Funk&Wagnet called and said that your pick-up was at the White Bison all night long, and you won!"
I gave her a hundred dollars. "More!", she said.
I gave her five hundred dollars. "More!" she said.
I was lucky she settled for a thousand.
Another time I went to a "Casino night", held by the Gun Club, and made about eighteen hundred dollars in four hours.
I went home and slipped the money into a book in the den.
A week later, I went to the den to get some money, and couldn't remember which book it was in.
When my wife caught me rummaging through the books, I told her I was looking for a good one to read.
A year later, and I was still looking. I was afraid to ask my wife if she found it!
My Army neighbor saw action in Korea and Viet Nam. He said he'd kill the next guy that gave him a bowl of rice.
My mechanic neighbor was a big man, and had four big sons.
His wife called dinnertime, "Slopping the Hogs".
Funk&Wagnet said my next door neighbor had the hots for a barmaid in the White Bison.
But the barmaid told him she wanted a man with greenbacks, not green bills.
The school custodian said he'd give me a deal on painting my garage.
He painted it school bus yellow.
I went to see the doctor for a check-up.
He told me that if I didn't give up drinking and smoking, I probably wouldn't live another five years.
That was ten years ago, and the doctor has been dead for six!
I bought some brown camouflage paint at the Army Surplus Store and painted my pick-up.
Then my neighbors called it "The Toad".
Funk&Wagnet said my army neighbor spent a night in jail.
He got drunk and went to a department store. There he saw a mannequin in black pajamas and smashed it.
He said he thought it was Viet Cong.
In our town, we don't have a railroad, so us poor people are from the wrong side of the fence.
My dog had so many fleas, we called him Scratch.
Funk&Wagnet said the Mayor got so drunk in the White Bison, he couldn't drive home, so the barmaid called a tow truck which took home the Mayor and his car.
Funk&Wagnet said the owner of the antique store bought used furniture at garage sales, worked it over with a hammer and paint, then sold it to tourists as his "Special Collection".
I'm a Brown Collar Worker
The long arm of the law,
Has a hand like a claw.
The Justice of the Peace was a retired lawyer who stopped in the bar once in a while.
He handled simple cases like speeding, weddings, uncontested divorce, and other minor offenses.
He got twenty dollars per case.
Speeding - "Sped&Dead"
Justice: "75 in a 65 zone, $25 fine, $25 Court Costs"
Speeder: "There was no sign".
Justice: "That'll be another $10 for lying under oath."
Speeder "I never saw a sign."
Justice: "That'll be another $10 for not wearing glasses, and for an additional $10, I can send you to jail in the city, where you can be tried by a judge."
Speeder: "Do you take credit cards?"
Justice: "Go see the bailiff, and tell her I said to give you a break."
Weddings - "Bewitched and Hitched"
Justice: "Do you the party of the first part take the party of the second part, and visa verso?"
Lovers: "Yes", "Yes"
Justice: "That'll be $25, sign on the dotted line, and what time is the party?"
Divorce - "Bitched and Ditched"
Justice: "Do you the party of the first part untake the party of the second party, and visa verso?"
Divorcees: "Yes", "Yes".
Justice: "That'll be $25, Sign on the dotted line, and what time is the party."
Other offenses - Bait and Switch
The Justice said that the Game Warden had brought him two fisherman that he caught down on the river.
They were both from out-of-state with no license, and both had a long string of big catfish.
The Justice told the fisherman, "This sounds like a criminal case to me and I am not qualified to try criminal cases.
For that you would have to go to jail in the city until you see a judge. The penalty for fishing without a license in this state is the same as poaching. It carries a maximum penalty of confiscation of all game and fish, confiscation of all guns and equipment, up to a $1000 fine and up to six months in jail"
The Justice continued, "On the other hand, if we confiscated the fish, and you plead guilty to simple trespassing, we could let you each off with a $30 fine plus court costs. How do you plead?"
Fishermen: "Guilty", "Guilty"
Justice: "$30 plus $25 Court Costs. Pay the Bailiff on your way out."
The Gun Club had a catfish fry, and the Justice and Game Warden attended.
Funk&Wagnet said the White Bison had a slot machine in the back room and the Town Marshall was it's heaviest player.
The Town Deputy used to go to the doughnut shop for coffee and leave his car parked out front with the motor running.
The Marshall told him several times to stop. Funk&Wagnet said one day the Marshall pulled up, got into the deputy's car and drove it around to the back door where he parked it with the motor running, then he went in and asked the Deputy where his car was.
The red faced deputy looked for three hours before he found it. He still doesn't know if it was stolen, or he himself parked it there.
The Marshall was having problems with the kids keeping the bar open past hours at night.
He warned them a couple of times.
Funk&Wagnet said one night, the Marshall went down to the river, caught an old bull beaver, and slipped it into the back door of the bar. The beaver walked to the front of the bar where a guy saw it and yelled. The beaver hissed, slapped it's tail on the floor and the bar was instantly vacated.
The Marshall said he didn't have that problem no more!
There was a Highway Patrolman that stopped in the bar once, once in a while. He was in one day drinking a beer, and suddenly said, "I'll get him the next time, he got away this time, but he'll be back, and I'll get him!".
The guy next to him asked what he was talking about, and the Patrolman explained, "I normally ride a big motorcycle, one that has been souped up to catch speeders. It was in the shop for servicing today, and they gave me this doggy old Dodge. I was sitting and running radar on the highway. The radar starting pinging, meaning that I had a fast one coming. A little black bug went by me doing eighty-five miles and hour. I put the car in gear, threw on the lights and went after it. That driver sped up! About a mile further on, he went down an exit ramp, and by the time I got there he was so far gone, I couldn't even tell which direction the car had went. He'll try that again though, and next time I'll have my motorcycle. I'll get him!"
Another time, he came in all dirty and muddy. When asked what happened, he explained, "We were chasing some escaped criminals down on the river road, and they wrecked their car. They got out and ran down to the river. It rained last night, so we couldn't get the patrol cars down there. They sent me down these muddy roads, and fields, to chase them out with my motorcycle.
I went through a gate, then through some trees and came out in a flat spot.
There stood a big Black Angus Bull. I saw him, and thought, here I set on a big black and white motorcycle, all dressed in black. If that big bull decides I am a cow, me and the motorcycle are dead!
I turned around and got the Hell out of there!"
