On New Year's Eve, I stay at home and get drunk. I don't want to be out on the road with THOSE drunk S.O.B.'s! The only thing that's on the road on New Year's Eve is cops and drunks!
The first couple of weeks of January, through the work week, the days were bright and sunny with temperatures in the mid 40's and 50's. On the weekends, the days were were overcast and windy with temperatures in the lower 20's to lower 30's with spitting rain, sleet, snow, and just generally nasty. We should take up a collection and bribe the weather forecaster to put the nice days on the weekend!
Then the temperatures dropped down to ten below zero with twenty to thirty mile per hour winds giving us wind chill factors of minus thirty to minus forty degrees.
My youngest son's car wouldn't start so he took my wife's car.
I went to start my pick-up, and I had a flat tire! I can drive all year round, and never have a flat tire until the temperature drops below zero.
I changed the tire, and then took it down to the tire dealer to have the tire fixed. The mechanic there put air in the tire, checked it, and found nothing wrong. No nail, no leak.
I asked him why and he explained that it was quite common during cold weather. The cold stiffens up the rubber, you hit a hole in the road, which down at my house the road is more holes than concrete, the bead of the tire breaks free from the rim, and the air leaks out.
And I thought these were "All Season Radials"!
It got so cold in January that the gas meter ran faster than the clock!
Advice for women who go on blind dates: Eat, Drink, and be Wary!
Joe's aunt died and left him two hundred fifty acres of land and ten thousand dollars.
If all my relatives died, and left me everything they owned, I would have to declare bankruptcy!
In the bank business, it is a fact that having a uniformed guard on duty, armed or unarmed, deters seventy five percent of robbers.
Having an armed uniformed guard on duty does deter the unarmed robber.
Having an unarmed uniformed guard on duty does deter the unarmed robber. The unarmed robber does not know whether the unarmed guard might be carrying a concealed gun, or what the reactions of the guard would be during a robbery.
Having an unarmed uniformed guard on duty does not deter the armed robber.
Having an armed uniformed guard on duty does not deter the armed robber. The first that an armed uniformed guard knows that an armed robbery is in progress is when the armed robber sticks a gun to the guards head, and then it is a fifty-fifty proposition as to whether the armed robber shoots, or hopefully takes the guard's gun. If he does take the gun, we now have a very NERVOUS robber with TWO guns in his hands and I would hate like hell to get shot with my own gun!
When you first look down the barrel of a loaded gun that someone has aimed at you, the bore looks as large as the room as you are in, time, and your heart stops, your mouth drops wide open, and your life passes before your eyes as you think:
WHAT DID I DO TO PISS THIS GUY OFF?
My mechanic neighbor collected gold tools. He was always showing me something new that he had bought. He had gold wrenches, gold screw drivers, gold knives, gold sockets, etc.
He once showed me a half inch drive gold air wrench and asked me what I thought of it.
I knew that the air wrench was over three hundred dollars, non-gold, so I looked it over and told him, "It is very pretty, but I don't know what I would do with it. However if they should ever come up with a gold air compressor that shoots gold air, I want one!"
Joe and his wife went to the big city to visit the zoo. While they were in the zoo, someone broke into Joe's pick-up and stole his radar detector. They broke out the window of the driver's door and grabbed the radar detector off the rear view mirror. When they yanked it, they detached the mirror from the windshield, and cracked the windshield.
Joe took his pick-up to a glass shop where they charged him one hundred ninety five dollars for replacing the door window, and three hundred ninety five dollars for replacing the windshield and attaching the mirror.
Joe turned the bill into his insurance company where they told him that he had a two hundred fifty dollar deductible, meaning that the insurance company did not pay the first two hundred fifty dollars of the bill.
And while joe had paid fifty dollars for the radar detector, he had used it for five years, so the insurance company would only give him ten dollars for it.
The insurance company did pay the rest of the bill, but Joe was out two hundred forty dollars, and he still had to pay another fifty dollars for another radar detector.
Joe said to pass the word around for anybody that was interested in stealing his radar detector:
THE DOORS ARE UNLOCKED!
One Sunday, I came out of the bar, got into the pick-up and hit the starter. the engine started, but when I let off the key it died. I hit the starter again, and the engine started, but died again when I let go of the key. I tried again several times with the same results, and realized that I had a bad connection, or a broken wire. I checked all the connections and everything was tight, so I knew I had a broken wire.
Nobody in the bar had any wire, so one of the guys took me home so I could get some wire, tools, and my wife's car.
I needed a piece of wire about two foot long and I went to the garage where there are always chunks of wire laying around. I couldn't find one piece.
I went to the basement where again there are normally pieces of wire hanging. Absolutely nothing.
I went back up stairs and asked my wife, "Where did all the wire go?"
She told me "I was cleaning, and threw away all that old junk."
I told her about my pick-up, what I thought of her cleaning and then asked, "Since you threw away all that old junk, how do you propose to fix my pick-up so I can get to work tomorrow?"
She told me "Take it down to the garage and let them fix it down there."
I informed her, "The pick-up doesn't run. That means that I have to get it towed. It normally would cost twenty five dollars to get a tow, but since this is Sunday, and the owner of the tow truck doesn't work on Sundays, It means that it's going to cost fifty dollars to get it towed to the garage, which is closed on Sundays. Now they would probably charge me twenty five dollars to fix something like this on a normal day, but since they don't work on Sundays, they are going to charge me fifty dollars. That is one hundred dollars, and for one hundred dollars I can buy awful lot of *#$%&^$%^ing wire!"
My wife took me to work monday morning, and when she picked me up monday evening, she had THREE SPOOLS of wire!
I have noticed that many of the more senior citizens of our country seem to have trouble with parking their cars. That is understandable because many of the more senior citizens of our country seem to have trouble driving their cars!
One elderly gentleman I know, got slower and slower through the years, and by the time he had reached his seventysixth birthday, never drove above twenty miles per hour regardless of the speed limit.
When the authorities renewed his license on his seventysixth birthday, he went out and bought himself a hamburger and a soda pop that evening to celebrate.
the police stopped the elderly gentleman on the way home. They thought he was drunk because he was driving so slow.
When the authorities renewed his license on his eightieth birthday, the elderly gentleman celebrated by buying himself a new car!
Another senior citizen I know, 94 years old, owned an american compact car that he had bought used twenty years earlier. One day he pulled his car into the auto repair shop with a knock coming from the motor.
The mechanics examined the motor, and it took a lot of explaining because the ninety four year old was hard of hearing, but they finally did get it across to him the motor had a rod knocking and needed to be overhauled.
The senior citizen said very distinctly, "No!"
He spoke very softly and it took him a little while to get across to the mechanics, all he wanted was new rod bearings put on the bad rod.
The mechanics argued with the ninety four year old explaining that it wasn't the rod that was bad, it was the crankshaft which needed to be replaced, and putting new bearings on the rod wouldn't help. The motor needed a new or at least a rebuilt crankshaft.
No matter what the mechanics proposed, the gentleman said "No", and told them to put in new rod bearings.
The mechanics finally agreed, stressing "No Guarantee"
The mechanics had always done all the servicing on the gentleman's car, and figuring he must not have the money for extensive repairs, they put him in new rod bearings and just charged him for the parts they used, and nothing for labor. But when he came to pick up his car, they made him sign on a separate part of the bill "No Guarantee".
Two weeks later the elderly gentleman came back into the garage with the rod knocking again.
The mechanics got the bill and pointed out the signature on the no guarantee. And then they started again, new motor, rebuilt motor, etc.
And again the gentleman said "No!". But this time he got it across to the mechanics that at NINETY FOUR years old, there was no sense in building a motor for a twenty year old used car that was going to out last he, himself!
The mechanics went to the salvage yard and got a used crankshaft out of a junk motor and installed it in the motor of the gentleman's car. And they made him sign another bill saying "NO GUARANTEE"!
I do not get to that town often, but I do know that the auto repair shop has went out of business, and the mechanics moved on to other jobs. Many of the senior citizens have passed on to a better life, but as far as I know, that NINETY FOUR PLUS year old gentleman is still driving his TWENTY PLUS year old used car with the VERY worn out motor!
