I wish they would perfect hair transplants. With this mop of mine, I could make a million dollars off my scalp, and I wouldn't have to pay for haircuts.
I think I'm part werewolf because I have more hair on my ears than most men have on the tops of their heads.
My wife also must think I'm part werewolf, because everytime I go drinking and carousing, she asks me if there is a full moon!
I'm a brown collar worker
A jack of all trades
I know a little about a lot
I know a lot about nothing.
My wife says I know NOTHING about nothing!
I used to stop at the doughnut shop in the mornings and get a cup of coffee on the way to work. In addition to regular coffee, they had flavored coffees also.
While I really didn't like sweet stuff, I can say that some if it wasn't really that bad. But then some of it was REAL bad. There was one of them, I think it was called French roasted nut, should have been called French burnt nut.
The weather in November was so warm, the Canadian snow geese stayed in Canada!
The state somehow determined that property in the state was not being taxed equally and re-evaluated all property in the state to adjust taxes. This resulted in a tremendous raise in evaluation of all properties that were classified rural or agricultural. The state property evaluation board said not to worry about it, the amount of the tax raise itself could not be determined until all of the state, county, city, and rural districts had their mill levies calculated.
When I received the bill on my house which was classified as rural, the property tax increased twenty-five percent.
The taxes on agricultural property increased fifty percent.
Because of all the complaints the state set up a meeting in the county courthouse, for the people in our area, who desired to protest this tax increase.
Our whole town attended this meeting, as well as everybody from the surrounding farm community, including Widow Smith.
Widow Smith, who depended upon the income from the farm land she owned for a living, showed up with a loaded shotgun!
She said that one way or the other, she WOULD re-adjust the thinking of those tax adjusters!
Lawn needs mowing, Don't give a whit
Fish are biting, And here I sit
Want to go fishing, Wife through a fit
Out on the river at my cabin, I had a favorite fishing spot. There was a big willow tree there that sat on a point hanging over the river. I'd been hauling chunks of concrete and pieces of large bricks out there and shoring up the bank as well as building a levee out a little ways into the river to divert the current from the bank and save the tree.
The levee was a foot above the river, two foot wide, and extended six foot out from the bank. That also got me six foot further out into the river where I could cast out into that deep hole where the large catfish were.
I went out there one day, walked out to the end, threw the heavy casting rod line out into the deep hole, and then played with the fly rod along the edge of the shore trolling for perch.
I played for about a half an hour, and when I didn't get any bites, I laid down my rod, turned, and took a step to go get a beer out of the cooler.
On the levee, there laid a snake!
I took a step back and said, "Hello, Snakey!"
The snake looked at me and stuck it's tongue out, "Slurp, Slurp".
The snake was coiled up, looked to be about six foot long, was about four inches around at it's thickest point, and was a foot off the bank. It was brown and had diamonds on it, but no rattles so I knew it wasn't a rattle snake, and from the shape of the head I didn't think it was a water moccasin, or copperhead.
It was probably a bull snake or a cow snake and, non-poisonous. The only problem was I didn't care what it was. It laid between me and the bank and I didn't want to find out if it was poisonous!
The coil of the snake was about a foot across, and it was dead in the middle of the levee with about six inches of clearance on each side.
"Get snakey! Get!", I said.
The snake stuck it's tongue out, "Slurp, Slurp."
I moved to the left side of the levee, thinking that I could take two running steps and jump over the top of the snake to the bank.
The snake raised it's head, and moved it to that side of the levee, "Slurp, Slurp."
I moved to the right side.
The snake moved to the right, "Slurp, Slurp."
I think it was thinking, "Yum, Yum."
I moved back to the center of the levee, "Move, Snakey! Move!"
"Slurp, Slurp."
I could probably have jumped and been OK, but I also might have jumped and frightened the snake which could have struck and bitten me. While the bite may not have killed me, it might have made me very sick.
"Swim, Snakey! Swim!"
"Slurp, Slurp, Yum, Yum."
I thought about going swimming myself, but if that snake was hungry he could swim a lot faster than I could!
"Go Snakey! Go!"
"Yum, Yum."
I stood there for fifteen minutes, watching and talking to that snake.
The snake lay there and looked at me, "Yum, Yum, Yum."
I finally walked back to the end of the levee, and rolled up my fishing lines. I kept the short casting rod in my right hand so I could smack that snake if it tried to strike, and I prodded with the longer fly rod.
"Get Snakey!, Get!"
The snake ducked the fly rod about four times, and then slithered off into the water.
I took two steps, jumped and hit the bank running. I threw the rods into the bed of the pick-up, got in, and when the motor started, I floored the throttle, and popped the clutch.
As far as I was concerned, that snake could have that levee, the bank, and the whole damned river!
We got a new doughnut shop in town. It was one of those chain stores that advertised on television all the time. I was pretty partial to the coffee and doughnuts of the old coffee shop so I did not go to it for a long time even though it was a quarter mile closer to my house.
All my friends, though, raved about how good the doughnuts in the new shop were so one Sunday I stopped and bought a dozen doughnuts.
The doughnuts weren't that bad but for the two dollars a dozen extra that they cost, I thought the doughnuts from the old shop were tastier, and could afford to drive the extra quarter mile!
I wrote a book, and thought it was pretty good, so I sent it to a publisher.
If it comes back with a letter of rejection, that is called "Writer's Cramp", and I am broke.
If it comes back with a letter saying it is real bad, don't send no more that is called "Writer's Block", and I am broke.
If the publisher accepts the book, then I am no longer a "Writer", I am an "Author", but still broke.
If the critics don't like the book, and the public doesn't buy it, then I am a "Hack", and broke.
If the critics like the book, but the public doesn't buy it, then I am an "Unrecognized Genius", and broke.
If the critics don't like the book, but the public buys it, then I am "Pandering to the Masses, but have Promise", and still broke.
If the critics like the book, and the public buys it, then I am a "Best Selling Author", and .........
Sorry, I just received notice that the publisher accepted my book, and was daydreaming!
I have gotten at least one speeding ticket a year since I started driving. I think that instead of giving tickets for speeding they should build special lanes for the people who want to drive fast. These people and their cars should be Inspected, taxed, and licensed for speed, and then get everybody else the hell out of the way!
They opened up a new loan place in our town. Just take in a check and your last pay stub, and they would hold your check for up to two weeks. I took in my check and stub, they ran a credit check, and told me I would have to make a fifty percent down payment!
You can tell it's getting close to winter, when they start hanging snow blades on pick-ups!
The liquor store owner opened up a pawn shop. He called it the "Hock it Pocket".
Six months later he had to open up a used car rental center. He called it "Blown Loans".
While I was standing guard in the bank, two young men came in and cleaned the windows. While they were working, a Marine came in and tried to recruit them for the Marine Corps.
In the Marine Corps, this is called "Corporate Head Hunting!"
The Marines pride themselves as being "First In", in the event of a war.
In the Air Force, we called them "Cannon Fodder".
In the Marine Corps, when your rank goes up, so does your life expectancy.
The Marines recruit as "Get an education while you are seeing the world", and show you a handsome young man in a formal dress uniform carrying a sword. What they don't tell you, is that when you enlist, they give you a set of camouflaged fatigues, which is the uniform of the day, and an M-16 rifle, which they tell you to call "Honey", because it is going to be your daily companion as long as your are in the Marine Corps!
The Marines tell you that they will make you a "Self Sufficient Man". In other words, they will give you a rifle, a backpack with ammunition and field rations and a canteen of water!
In the Marine Corps, they eat four meals a day. Breakfast consists of a five mile run with rifle, backpack, and all the water you can drink!
A Marine told me that it was lights out in the, barracks at nine oclock. He said that must have been to improve his night vision, because they had him up till midnight polishing his boots, and doing push-ups.
He also told me that when the sargeant yelled "Shit", you dropped your drawers, squatted, and began grunting. Then you asked how much!
In the Marine Corps, a leisurely stroll means a one mile march without rifle and back pack.
In the Marine Corps, a high five means twenty five push-ups on your finger tips.
If this is what it takes to become a man in the Marine Corps, I think I'm going to start wearing dresses.
When getting ready to land an aircraft at an airfield, if the weather is bad, or the airfield is busy, they make you go in circles above the airfield until the weather clears, or until they can clear the airfield for your landing.
In the Air Force, this is called a "Holding Pattern". In the Marines, that is called fun.
If dollar bills would multiply as fast as the pennies in my pocket, I wouldn't have to work for a living!
One Saturday, the barmaid came into the bar all happy and excited because she had entered a contest and had just been notified that she had won a free trip to Disneyland. She sat down on the bar stool beside me to tell everybody including me about it. It was damn hard, though to look at her face and concentrate upon her words, with the crotch of her panty hose peeking out from underneath her miniskirt.
Now if this would have been a man, I would have told him, "Better zip up before the horse gets out of the barn!"
A woman talking with another woman would say something to the effect of, "Better pull down that dress, woman. You're showing everything you have!"
But how does a man politely tell a woman, "Pardon me, maam, but your crotch is showing"!
My brother-in-law called my wife and asked to borrow a thousand dollars. He lost his job and needed the money to pay bills until he could get another job. I told her to tell him that we would think about it after he sold his Mercedes!
