Being a security guard in a bank is a thankless job. You stand like a wooden indian all day long, with the majority of the customers either not seeing you, or feeling that they don't have time to say hello or goodbye.
And then there is the old crank that gets out of his car hobbles to the door and starts complaining because you never opened the door for him. He thinks he's a big shot because he has money in the bank, and complains to the manager also, and you get another chewing after he leaves. Just ignore him. He leads a miserable life, and tries to make everybody around him miserable.
There is always that little child that comes in with, it's parents and waves, giggles, and laughs, when you wave, and say hello.
There is also the elderly gentleman, that will take the time to stop and talk and tell you a story or joke.
Also too, is the lady that says she feels much safer and thanks you for being there.
These are the things that make it worthwhile being a security guard and make you want to come back for another day.
You know you're bored with being a security guard in a bank when you watch the rear ends of the women when they depart to see if you can spot their panty lines!
You know the crime rate is down, when you are hoping that someone will commit a robbery somewhere so that you can keep your job as a security guard!
One time I was up in the city early in the morning, drinking a cup of coffee while I was driving, and running late for an appointment. I was in the right hand lane and got stopped at a stoplight. Another car pulled up in the left lane and I realized that I had made a mistake, because just four blocks up the road at the next stoplight I had to make a lefthand turn. I looked the car over to see if I could beat him to that light.
Here sits this old Chevy Nova, painted primer gray, back end jacked up in the air with wide dragstrip racing tires underneath it. The nose of the front had been lowered to the ground and I could hear the motor idling:
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.
Just great, It thought, I really stood a chance of beating this guy, particularly with a cup of hot coffee in my hand.
That Nova took off with screeching tires, and he beat me all four blocks.
That was how far he went before that stoplight turned green!
Another time, I was driving my pick-up in the city, and as I came to a stoplight
there was a pick-up setting in the left lane with the tailgate down and a load of sheets of drywall hanging out of the bed.
This pick-up had magnesium wheels on the backend with large dragstrip tires, and on the front were spoked rims with what looked like bicycle tires. It had a big air scoop on the hood, and the truck was painted bright red with black flames over the front fenders and down along the sides. It also had four exhaust pipes coming out right behind the front tires on each side. It was really a production to be proud of.
The driver saw me looking the pick-up over and he revved up the motor:
VROOM, CRACKETY, POP!
So, I revved mine up too:
VROOM, BOOM, BOOM!
The reason mine was so noisy was because the muffler had fallen off and I hadn't had a chance to get another one.
He revved again:
VROOM, CRACKETY, POP!
I did too:
VROOM, BOOM, BOOM!
He began racing his motor and inching towards the intersection.
I raised the rpms of my motor and also inched towards the intersection.
He gave that motor more and more gas.
I did too.
By the time the light turned green, we both had the throttle to the floorboard.
He popped the clutch on that pick-up, and the front end jumped straight up in the air and dumped the sheets of drywall in the middle of the road. The front end dropped back to the road, collapsed, and the pick-up slid to a stop in a shower of sparks.
When the stoplight turned green, I let off the gas and watched this spectacle, then turned right around the corner, and DIIIEEED laughing as I was driving down the road!
They say, though, that you should not laugh at the misfortunes of others, and I know that I should not have laughed at that driver.
I drove on down the road, and had to stop at a stoplight, where there was a policeman that had a car pulled over. There was a steep hill there, and I decided that I should not go up it with that noisy exhaust, because I couldn't afford any more tickets.
I turned to the right around the corner, and eased down the road. I went about four blocks and then turned back up the hill and went through a residential area.
At the top of the hill, I turned left, and since I was now running late, I put the gas to the pick-up and headed back to the road.
I popped over a rise and there sat that policeman, with a radar gun aimed at me.
He gave me a ticket for mufflers, and speeding!
That was four speeding tickets in a year, and I would lose my license if I didn't do something, so I went to see a lawyer.
The lawyer told me there was no way to beat a speeding ticket, but he did golf with the County Attorney, and could probably get the attorney and the judge to agree to drop the speeding ticket if I would agree to pay a double fine on the muffler ticket.
A muffler ticket was normally twenty-five dollars, and while I couldn't really afford fifty dollars, I really didn't have any choice in the matter.
The day of my appearance, the lawyer met me at the door of the courthouse and told me that we were really in trouble. Someone had stole the judge's car out of the police parking lot, and neither the lawyer, nor the County Attorney knew what that judge would do. All they knew was that judge was in a foul mood!
That judge did drop the speeding ticket, but he fined me one hundred dollars!
And I had to pay the lawyer seventy-five dollars!
All this because of a lousy twenty dollar muffler!
I spend a dollar and get a chance on every lottery drawing. At odds of a hundred million to one, it isn't worth while spending more money than that. Even if you spend a million dollars, there are still ninety-nine million chances gainst you. On the other hand, the chance of becoming a millionaire on the lottery is still a lot better than working for a living!
If I should ever win that lottery, I'm going out into the country buy myself a forty acre field, and I'm going to build a big house right in the middle of it.
Around the field, I'll build a big fence with big iron gates. On the iron gates I'll post a sign that says:
ENTRANCE BY APPOINTMENT ONLY
And I'll have an unlisted telephone number!
They say that money won't buy happiness, but I'd sure like to have enough to try!
Actually though, if I should hit the lottery, all I would want would be a shirt, a pair of pants, and a new paint job on my pick-up. That's all the money that would be left after my wife got what she wanted!
November was beautiful with temperatures in the fifties, sixties, and seventies, with a bright sun, no clouds, and very little wind. And people complained because there was no rain?
The time that I went on that all night gambling spree at the White Bison Club, I made three thousand dollars. I hid two thousand dollars under the air-conditioning grill in my pick-up and gave my wife a thousand. Any time I needed some extra money, I'd just pry off the grill, and take it out of the hole there.
A few days before deer season, I was driving along drinking a beer out in the country, and looking for signs of deer, so I could set up a deer stand.
A big buck jumped out of some weeds in front of me and headed up the road like a streak of lightning. I went after him, but the road was way too rough to keep up, and he lost me in half a mile.
A few days later, I pried off the grill to get some money, and there was nothing there!
I went in the house, got a flashlight and looked and I could see that the money had dropped down into the air-conditioning duct work inside the dash.
I got some tools, and was underneath the dash trying to take the duct work apart, when I hit a hot wire, and the sparks flew. I kept prying until I realized that something was burning!
I popped the hood, got some tools and disconnected the battery. By that time, there was smoke coming out from under the hood, and out of the windows of the pick-up. I ran to the house, connected the waterhose and ran back to the pick-up.
By then the smoke was just rolling. I sprayed under the dash, and in the engine compartment until I finally got the fire out.
I did get the money out of the air-conditioner duct work but I had to use it to replace all the gauges, wiring, and repaint my pick-up.
They say that gambling doesn't pay, well, gambling does pay, just keep the money in a bank account!
When I was standing guard in the bank, I had a taxicab driver tell me one day that he couldn't see himself as a security guard. He couldn't take just standing around and doing nothing.
I told him that I couldn't see myself as a taxicab driver, either. Then I explained to him that I had nothing against taxicab drivers, and that while I realized that they got their share of crackpots and nuts for passengers, that didn't bother me. It was all of those crazy S.O.B.s out there that thought they owned the road!
I once worked as a weekend security guard at a food processing plant. Outside the building were rat traps staked to the ground.
Inside the door was the office where we sat. The floor was dirty, and the ceiling and walls had bugs and spiders running across them.
Inside the next door was the employee breakroom, which had a bug zapper on the wall. The floor was filthy, and the tables had food crumbs on them as well, as dried liquid which had run off on the floor.
I DID NOT go back again.
That plant supplied food for one of the fast food chains and I DID NOT eat at THAT fast food chain AGAIN!
I was in the bar one day, and the car salesman came in showing off his new laptop computer. He could figure the payments on a car, write letters, keep track of appointments, tell the time of day, or play poker, craps, or other games. I beat him out of ten dollars playing craps.
When he got ready to leave, he asked if I, or anybody else knew of anyone who would be interested in buying his old laptop computer.
My youngest daughter had been asking for a computer, so I asked him what was wrong with it.
He told me there was nothing wrong with the computer itself, it was just old and slow as compared to the newer computers. Also the battery was worn out and needed replaced. It could still be used by plugging it in, and a new battery could be bought.
I asked him how much he wanted, and he told me two hundred dollars. He had said that he paid two thousand dollars for his new laptop, so I bought him a beer and started talking to him.
A couple of beers, and he brought his old laptop from the car, plugged it in and showed me what it would do.
It could do the same things as the new one, but was as he said a lot slower and the colors weren't nearly as pretty.
I bought him a couple of more beers, and then bought the computer for a hundred dollars.
I took the computer home to my youngest daughter who was just delighted, but wanted to know when I was going to buy the battery so she could show it to her friends.
Next payday, I told her.
Next payday came, and I went to an electronics store. I figured the battery would be about thirty to forty dollars. It was a hundred and twenty dollars! And they didn't have any in stock, would have to special order which would take another ten days.
I waited two weeks, knowing that these ten day special orders were always lies.
I went back to the electronics store and asked, "Where is my battery?"
They checked and were told the order had been sent and I should be receiving it any day.
I waited two more weeks, went back to the electronics store again, and asked, "Where is my battery?".
They checked and said the battery was on back order, and was going to take approximately thirty days more.
I asked what did they mean when they said the order had been sent?
And they said that meant the order had been sent to the company that manufactured the battery.
The clerk at the electronics store told me I could cancel my order and they would refund my money in full. I had already called around and nobody else had the battery in stock, so I told him "No, Just hurry!".
Three more weeks and I received a letter from the electronics store company stating they had been notified they would receive the battery in three weeks, and would send it shortly there after.
Another week passed, and I received a letter from the electronics store thanking me for my order and enclosed was a gift certificate for ten percent off anything in the store except computer and electronics items!
I finally received the battery a month later.
Now, you could play games, tell time, and keep track of appointments, but if you wrote a letter or did homework on the computer, how were you going to get it out???
You have to have a printer! So back to the electronics store, who did have a printer in stock, for only two hundred dollars! Of course, there was no ten percent discount.
I bought it and took it home to my daughter. We opened up the box, and there still was no way to get the letter or homework out of the computer, because you needed a cable to connect the computer to the printer, and that did not come with the printer.
Back to the electronics store, where they did have a cable in stock for an additional thirty dollars, minus NO ten percent discount!
All together, the hundred dollar computer cost four hundred fifty dollars, and my daughter used it to play games that I could have bought at a department store for twenty dollars!
