I'm a Brown Collar Worker
No Coffee, No workee!
I saw my financial advisor every month, when I went to the bank to negotiate bad check fees.
My credit plan was buy now, pay whenever.
My idea of a perfect pick-up was a ‘64 half-ton with a V-8 and a four speed on the floor.
The holes in the floor board were for air-conditioning.
I went to the local tire dealer to buy a set of used tires, and the owner paid me to take the ones I got.
Then my wife had four new flower beds.
And I didn’t have as much grass to mow.
I’m still trying to figure something I can make with old tires. I could make millions!
One time the grass in the yard got so tall, my son lost his bicycle for two days.
My next door neighbor paid me twenty-five dollars to haul his junk to the dump in my pick-up. He didn’t want to get his new truck dirty.
I once tried to enter my pick-up in the ugly truck contest at the fair, but the officials told me there was too much danger to the public.
I saved rain water to take a bath.
I saved the bath water to flush the stool.
My oldest son started his own business when he was in the Fifth Grade, cleaning the yards of people with dogs. He called it "Pay-Per-Doo-Doo." He said it was a "Shitty" job, but someone had to do it.
The Tax Man came once and left me a twenty-five dollar donation.
When the Telemarketers called, I asked them if they had any freebies.
My phone was so old I sold it as an antique.
I think Lincoln not only slept in my house, I think he died there!
I converted the old gas furnace to a wood burner.
My next door neighbor didn't invite me to his parties after I got drunk and knocked over his grill.
My Brother-in-Law wouldn't talk to me.
My dog was my best friend!
My tomcat was the neighborhood bully.
My station wagon was so old, the bank wouldn't even repossess it.
The dandelions and violets gave "Color" to my lawn.
My station wagon used more oil than gas.
I drove my station wagon into a gas station once and it was smoking so much, they called the Fire Department.
The neighbors paid me to drive my station wagon around and around the block on the Fourth of July.
-Mosquito Control-
My station wagon became the local school bus after a neighbor's kid smeared a chocolate bar in another neighbor's new car.
At the bar, I could sip on a glass of tap beer for two hours.
Or chug a bottle of Premium beer in one minute if someone was buying.
I was lousy at playing pool, darts, or shuffleboard, unless I was playing for beer.
I would leave a nickel tip for the pretty barmaids, none for the ugly.
For beer to take home, I'd negotiate with the Bar Owner on the cost of his out-of-date stock.
When I won a Football Pool in the bar, I would go to collect when I knew nobody was around.
I believed in taking a "Baker's Dozen" of anything I bought.
It's a customary practice throughout all High Schools, that the seniors, upon departing on their last day of school, pull the emergency handles and set off the Fire Alarm. My class did too, but the alarm never went off.
I stole the bells!
At work, my resume had more fireds than quits.
My boss told me he wouldn't fire me because he needed someone to pick on.
The Boss said he talked with the Owner of the Company about replacing some of our obsolete equipment. The Owner told him it would be cheaper to go somewhere else and start over.
The Owner also said he was considering moving anyway!
Needless to say, production quotas went up and nobody asked for a raise.
My youngest son wanted to be a School Principal when he grew up, so he could tell the teachers what to do.
I wrote my Congressman and told him to stop asking for tax cuts. I wasn't paying taxes anyway, just send money!
My wife went to church every Sunday.
She said someone had to pray for my soul.
I talked with a psychologist once.
I told him I wasn't crazy, just poor!
I'm like George Washington, I can't tell a lie.
But I do sometimes stretch the truth.
I learned not to say, "What's that?", when a cop asked for my driver's license.
I went to bed with the sun, got up with the chickens.
No lights, No alarm clock!
Merchants called my checks "Moons" for how high they bounced.
My idea of an air-conditioner was a wet towel over a big fan.
I've learned not to start any trouble.
I've already lost too many teeth!
My idea of a vacation was to go to the river with a picnic basket, a can of worms, and a case of beer.
My wife took in some ironing to make some extra money. I suggested that we start a laundry, and she asked me who was going to do the work.
When the Electric Man came, I told him I'd give him half then and half the next month.
My house had so many creaks, I wanted to make it a haunted house for Halloween.
I registered as an Independent Voter. I voted for the candidate that promised to give the most.
My idea of fine dining was going to the best buffet in town.
My oldest daughter said she didn't want to go to college when she grew up. She said because she couldn't speak Greek.
The Widow down the road was our Neighborhood watch committee, and town gossip.
If you said hello to a pretty girl in the bar, your wife knew it before you got home.
We called the old gal the "Funk and Wag Net"
My old tomcat looked sad and down in the dumps, so I gave him Viagra, then all my neighbors were mad at me, but Tom was happy.
My neighbor diagonally was a retired Army officer. He showed me his collection of guns and swords, and vowed the Russians would never take him alive.
My next door neighbor was a big snob. He was a teller in the bank and a Vice-Governor of the White Bison Club. He said he seldom drank but his garbage had as many empties as mine.
My picket fence had more posts standing than pickets.
