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Teacher :"Johnny, you talk a lot !"
Johnny :"It's a family tradition".
Teacher :"What do you mean?"
Johnny :"Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher :"What about your mother?"
Johnny :"She's a woman".
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TEACHER: Johnny, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
Johnny: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: Johnny, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHNNY: K-R-O-K-O-D-
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHNNY: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
JOHNNY: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
JOHNNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
JOHNNY: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: JOHNNY!
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TEACHER: Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
JOHNNY: Me!
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TEACHER: Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
JOHNNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Johhny, give me a sentence starting with "I."
JOHNNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, JOHNNY..... Always say, "I am."
JOHNNY: All right.. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
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TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
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TEACHER: Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
JOHNNY: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
JOHNNY: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
JOHNNY: A teacher.
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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle......
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A pre-school teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labelled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.
Sherry took a bite of the meat labelled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig.
The last meat was labelled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint: "What does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night?" she
asked.
All of a sudden little Johnny jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled, "Jesus Christ! Spit it out! It's Asshole!"
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Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's Legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, little Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".
Little Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom."
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Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Johnny was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Johnny got an "A" in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns"?
Little Johnny looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it already"?
Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them"!
Little Johnny said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
Johnny says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'"
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Johnny what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Johnny thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"
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|BROWNVSWHITEVSBLUE|10THINGS|OBSERVATIONS|PEOPLE_I_HATE|REDNECKS|
|DOPEYNITIONS||WOMEN_JOKES|LAWYER_JOKES|PRIEST_JOKES|MURPHYS_LAW|
|DIRTY_JOHNNY|OLD_AGE|FART_JOKES|POLICE_JOKES|OTHER_JOKES|WORDPLAY|