BC JOKES

Blond Jokes

Original Jokes Wit and Humor

Women Jokes Blond Jokes Dumb Blond Jokes Jokes about Women Jokes about Blonds Jokes about Dumb Blonds

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A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

Wal-Mart Greeter Steve asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies Steve, the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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A woman walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
 
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
 
The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
 
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
 
Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The  pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell  me you had a prescription."

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WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

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"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

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Bobby was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Ann Marie to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Ann Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joey, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joey was finished, Ann Marie asked how much for the teapot.

Joey replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Ann Marie exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy, and Joey went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Joey yelled, "Ann Marie, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Ann Marie replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

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A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.

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A blonde carrying a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone. We just subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not his mother. I'm his aunt."

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

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The wife came home early and found her husband in the master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig!  What are you doing?  How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children!  I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replied, "Wait, Wait a minute!  Before you leave, at least listen to what happened.

"Hmm, I don't know. Well, it'll be the last thing I'll hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you"

The husband begins to tell his story.  "While I was driving home, this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car.  I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.  She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night - that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight.  The poor thing practically inhaled them!

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.  While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you've had for a few years, the ones that you can no longer wear because they're too tight on you.  I also gave her the blouse I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I apparently don't have good taste.

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw
your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continued his story . . ."The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got there she turned around and with tears in her eyes, she asked me, "Sir, is there anything else that your wife doesn't use any more?"   

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You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years, can no longer satisfy.

I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table:

My dear husband:

Received your fax and thank you for your honesty.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation ... although with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18 ...

And therefore I wont be back before lunchtime tomorrow!

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When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter. When will men ever learn?

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A girl from Virginia and a girl from California were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Virginia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"

The Cali girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Virginia sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya from, bitch?"

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith,... the dwarf."

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After the southern tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of aus?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Georgia, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh aus for mah drink.

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Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

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blonde woman gets pulled over for doing 85 in a 25 mph zone. 

 He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor." 

 She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license. 

 Then she asks what a registration is. He says, "It's probably in your glove box. Just open it and give me the papers inside." She does, so he returns to his car. 

 He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was." 

 The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors." 

 The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" 

The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants." 

The cop says, "No freakin' way!" 

The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it." 

So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants. 

The blonde woman says, "Another breath analyser test? No problem, I pass these all the time."

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A Trip to Montreal

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

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Blonde in the BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

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The Fire Escape

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! Its Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run for your life. She has a grenade in her mouth.

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A Trip to the ER

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.  "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:  This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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Counting Sheep 

The blonde from Casper had been the brunt of dumb blonde jokes all her life and finally decided to do something about it. Boldly, she entered a beauty salon and had her hair dyed auburn. The change was immediate and drastic.

Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and her self-esteem grew daily. One afternoon she went for a drive in the country-side and happened upon a band of sheep and a herder. Deciding to test her new-found confidence and skill, she stopped and visited with the herder. After charming the herder, she made him a proposition.

She said, "I’d love to have one of those sheep as a pet. Do you suppose if I guessed the exact number you have in your herd you could let me have one to take home?"

The herder, thinking there was no way in the world she could guess the exact number said, "Why sure little lady, you go ahead and guess."

The auburn/blonde said, "You have exactly 1053 head of sheep.

The herder could not believe it. She had guess the number right on the button. Chagrined, he told her to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. She wandered through the whole herd finally making her selection at the far edge of the flock. Carrying it back to her car, she put it in the back seat. As she was about to drive off, the herder came running towards her car frantically yelling,

"Wait, wait!" She rolled down her window to see what he wanted and he said, "I’ve got a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact color of your hair before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"

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Damn Flowers

A blonde and a brunette were walking past a flower shop. Inside, the brunette’s boyfriend was buying flowers. The brunette sighed and said, "My damn boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde said, "But don’t you like getting flowers?"

The brunette said, "Oh, sure. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde asked, "Don’t you have a vase?"

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A Trip to the Woods

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally look so sad.

Liz: "Heard you went off into the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay... But you look so sad. Why?"

Sally: "'Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went to the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?"

Sally: "Well, my mama told me that the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

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Execution Squad
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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The Skeleton
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
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The Blonde In The Mirror
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
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Waiting for the Bus
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.
"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"
The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.
Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
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Blonde woman gets pulled over for doing 85 in a 25 mph zone. 

The cop asks her for her license and registration. She says, "License, what's that?" 

He replies, "It's what they ask for when you buy liquor." 

She says, "Oh, I get it," and hands him her license. 

He calls the police dispatcher and says, "I think I just pulled over the dumbest blonde ever! She didn't even know what a license was." 

The dispatcher says, "I know who she is. She's driving a new BMW, with pink mirrors." 

The cop says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" 

The dispatcher says, "Never mind that, just go up to her car and drop your pants." 

 The dispatcher says, "Just trust me, all the cops in town have done it." 

 So the cop agrees and reluctantly walks up to her car. He looks around and then drops his pants. 

 The blonde woman says, "Another breath analyser test? No problem, I pass these all the time."

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 A Trip to Montreal

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.

 The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

 The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

 The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

 The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

 "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

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Blonde in the BMW

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

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 The Fire Escape

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

 The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

 "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

 "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

 "No! Its Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

 "OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

 Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

 "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

 "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

 "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

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What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run for your life. She has a grenade in her mouth.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.  "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:  This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Counting Sheep 

The blonde from Casper had been the brunt of dumb blonde jokes all her life and finally decided to do something about it. Boldly, she entered a beauty salon and had her hair dyed auburn. The change was immediate and drastic.

Suddenly people began to treat her with respect and her self-esteem grew daily. One afternoon she went for a drive in the country-side and happened upon a band of sheep and a herder. Deciding to test her new-found confidence and skill, she stopped and visited with the herder. After charming the herder, she made him a proposition.

She said, "I’d love to have one of those sheep as a pet. Do you suppose if I guessed the exact number you have in your herd you could let me have one to take home?"

The herder, thinking there was no way in the world she could guess the exact number said, "Why sure little lady, you go ahead and guess."

The auburn/blonde said, "You have exactly 1053 head of sheep.

The herder could not believe it. She had guess the number right on the button. Chagrined, he told her to go ahead and pick out a sheep to take home. She wandered through the whole herd finally making her selection at the far edge of the flock. Carrying it back to her car, she put it in the back seat. As she was about to drive off, the herder came running towards her car frantically yelling,

"Wait, wait!" She rolled down her window to see what he wanted and he said, "I’ve got a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact color of your hair before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?"

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Damn Flowers

A blonde and a brunette were walking past a flower shop. Inside, the brunette’s boyfriend was buying flowers. The brunette sighed and said, "My damn boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde said, "But don’t you like getting flowers?"

The brunette said, "Oh, sure. I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde asked, "Don’t you have a vase?"

A Trip to the Woods

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally look so sad.

Liz: "Heard you went off into the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay... But you look so sad. Why?"

Sally: "'Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz: "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally: "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went to the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz: "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally: "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz: "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?"

Sally: "Well, my mama told me that the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

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